Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Unsuccessful, like I’m not doing enough. And this feeling persists no matter how much I do. I know it’s my perfectionism in full glory. I even know where it comes from: from a very young age, I felt I had to be perfect for my parents to see or acknowledge me. After that, my perfectionism was the only thing that gave me a sense of control in what was otherwise an unreliable and emotionally chaotic upbringing. I know this. I’m getting better at my mantra of “good enough”. But that urge is still there, to be doing doing doing, and that whatever I am doing isn’t good enough. I attend an SIA/CODA meeting every day; I’m making the moves I need to in both programs; I’ve even become a moderator of my homegroup in SIA. I keep myself emotionally open and do my best to share with complete vulnerability every time. I journal, I do this gratitude practice and the other one. I maintain meaningful, healthy relationships. I hold a fulfilling job, I’m a housekeeper for my home. I keep myself active, I track my calories, I tell people I love them and perform service when I notice there’s a need, I go on vacations when I want. I have found and maintained a relationship with a top-fucking-tier partner. I do and have more than what is even in this unhinged list. What the hell is wrong with me? I have everything AND MORE than I ever dreamed I could have. I have a rich and blessed life, and I work hard for it. But I still have this feeling that I’m not doing enough. I will keep doing my self love practice, and it is helping. I’m at the point where I’m aware of my inner voice but not skilled enough to mediate it every time. I look forward to future entries where maybe I’ll say I don’t get this feeling anymore. That I fully, completely believe I am enough as I am, and to have faith that whatever amount I am doing is enough because it is my best.
Immeasurable grief for my younger selves. I’m reading Complex PTSD by Pete Walker (suggested by my therapist) and it’s Fucking Me Up but in the best way. It’s so rare to read a book that touches me so completely, that holds all my hidden nooks and crannies and says “None of this was your fault, you can get better.” There’s a section on unconditional love, about how between the ages of 0-2 that’s what children need, because they can’t be taught conditions yet and shouldn’t be expected to. Once they are verbal, they can be slowly and gently taught conditional love, that people have boundaries and that there are rules that need to be followed. Walker says that if you didn’t receive that unconditional love, you will never entirely make up for it, even if you get incredible at self-love/compassion. This part is sad but not unbearable, I can get pretty far with conditional self-love. What rips me apart inside is knowing that I didn’t get that. Me, a tiny baby who didn’t ask to be born, completely dependent, was never taught that she was worthy just by existing. That she could be loved through every emotion, that her feelings were valid, that she was enough. I don’t feel like I’m articulating this well but the book says the path to healing is grieving for your inner children so this is part of that.
Anxious and kind of tired of mitigating all the anxiety lol. Normally Cubu and I carpool but today he took the truck for some scheduling reason. It’s been years of me picking him up from work and I find myself crawling out of my skin at the thought of what he could do with that freedom. I’m trying very hard to be kind to myself. What if he goes to hang out with a friend? What if he stays after and masturbates at work? I don’t believe either of these will happen, not that there’s anything wrong with the first one, but this is the kind of deranged shit that’s cycling through my mind and stopping my breathing. I understand it’s all triggers but NOW WHAT? Fuck. He’s selling the truck soon, had meant to sell it weeks ago, and I keep thinking maybe he shouldn’t because I am clearly too dependent on him being dependent on me.
Feelin’ good…
- scheduled that coffee date with the library coworker friend. It was an oddly awkward process but I just kept reminding myself to not take it personally. I’m grateful that we’re both willing to meet with each other despite the new weirdness between us.
- I have a fantastic recovery partner, I got so lucky that we ended up in contact. I never did find a second one that fit well so I appreciate her even more for our good match.
- I joined a CODA Power of 5 group, which is a chat system that groups 5 people together to go through the steps. My group isn’t full yet but I look forward to working the steps and to have made moves in CODA.
- In my SIA homegroup (the group I started with in my very first meeting), I think I’ve become the moderator? The current host has been moving me towards this position for a while but I think it’s official now if not by the next meeting. And today I navigated several potential conflicts with grace that I didn’t know I had. Clearly my higher power was working through me with those. I’m grateful to have been pushed by my inability to say “no” into this honor of service, and for the rewards that moderating brings to my soul, and that I hopefully provide to others.
- I told my other gratitude group about the nature of my meetings being SIA and CODA. Until now, I’ve just been saying “meetings” without being specific but I figure that sort of group is the perfect place for vulnerability. I’m hopeful I’ll be met with acceptance.
