Today I’m grateful for…

150 fourth graders coming into the library and having to monitor them. I can’t seem to handle children anymore, not that I was ever great at it. I see potential trauma everywhere now. I’ve read a number of books on developmental psychology/traumatology and I feel like I can see all so many symptoms in a lot of the kids. I can’t see them for how they are in front of me, I just see the struggles they’ll have in the future, what they might be enduring right now. It was a very triggering hour and a half. How many of these kids are being hurt, neglected, abused? How many have been/are being sexually assaulted? The stats say the number is super high compared to what you’d think. Are these future SIA members, is this the time period they’ll talk about in their zoom meetings?

This one girl of the group who had hit puberty way before everyone else. She kept herself really small and dressed/acted like a boy. I know there’s a link between childhood trauma and early menses. I hit puberty at 9 and dressed/acted like a boy too. So I see her and I’m absolutely terrified, I had to look away and breathe. Or a couple other little girls who just had a body language about them, overly cautious and aware, anxious more than the other kids. These girls I had to avoid looking at too. 

Calling my glass guy today. He said he can’t give me as long as I had asked but he’s fine taking the two windows I didn’t do along with the two that I did and paying me half the original amount. He had no qualms, he doesn’t care nearly as much as I do. He goes on vaca until mid-June and he said we can call then and talk about me taking on windows again after my break. All that stress. I didn’t realize how deeply this was wrapped into my identity and guilt. If I don’t have windows, am I a stained glass artist? If I don’t do windows, am I letting Ludvig down? If I don’t do my library job well OR glass well, am I a bad worker or a good worker going through a bad time? A bit of both. I don’t rationally believe all of these but the emotions are present and I keep finding myself needing to soothe one inner child or another. It’s hard to accept not working but it’s worse doing a poor job. And the finances… I’d rather have the extra.

The talk I had with Cubu last night. I was responding to you and he was bidding for my affection by kissing me cutely all over. I got overwhelmed and told him to stop, thus the conversation. I realized that I find my online relationships more emotionally fulfilling than my one with him, and even have been snubbing him for them. I feel like I can speak his language (having fun/playing, being active, discussing metaphysical concepts/creating things) but he can’t speak mine (emotional literacy, hearing and being heard, relating on a deep level, “I hear and feel you, let me relate to that with…”). When I’m in peacetime, I’m happy to speak his and we thrive, we have so much fun. But when I’m in survival mode, he can’t speak mine and I just don’t have it in me to speak his. It feels like all of my energy is diverted to my emotional nurturance to get through the day, and I just don’t know how he fits into that. This triggered him because that’s the exact reason his ex-wife left him for someone else. He wasn’t upset with me, and is really glad I have people to connect with and fill that gap. He’s just sad that he “can’t seem to be different” than he is. And I don’t think he can either, I think the Asperger’s really prevents him from the type of connection I need. So we laid there, sad together. I told him I want to prioritize these emotionally fulfilling relationships while I’m struggling but that I’ll work to make sure we have our time too, and that this will likely come up every time I have something going on. We connected over that truth and the openness of it, but it was painful to face that reality together.

It being the first anniversary of my dad’s death since I’ve remembered what he did to me. He’s been dead 8 years ago now and somehow he’s the most present and alive and in my life that he’s been since I was 8. What a symmetry. I’m not going to unpack this because I think it’s a fucking mess and I’m just trying to get through this day. But tomorrow will be a big journaling day 🫂 hugs to myself lol

Happy thoughts:

• the cozy familiarity I have with the library. It feels like a lover I’ve had for years. I know where everything is, I care when it’s out of order, I treat it tenderly. The ease with which I navigate all its corners and the peace I find being surrounded by all those books.
• all the new soda flavors that are coming out recently, like banana and peach. I’m not a soda person but I like trying them, seeing what wacky things people have come up with. I usually don’t even like the soda, it’s the novelty I’m lusting after. Never take me to Vegas. 
• Booking a trip to WI to see my Brazilian friend and attend the engagement party of one of my foster family members. We’ll be going to the wedding but I haven’t been able to make it to an engagement party in years so I’m very excited to celebrate with everyone in a low-key way.
• I had a suspicion that the disorder of my house was inhibiting my glass motivation so I decided to prioritize cleaning the house as self care since the glass deadline doesn’t matter anymore.  It felt so good to have clean surfaces, all the dishes done, four loads of laundry done, clean carpets, order. And I was right! I’m excited to do glass now that my home doesn’t feel chaotic.