Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Guilty for going to a gathering with Cubu for his friend’s birthday. I went because I always go – it’s always been the default because I would be jealous if I wasn’t there. I’m just now beginning to ask myself if I want to go to a thing before I go, and to not be so bothered by him being with others. I didn’t want to go to this, but felt guilty for not wanting to AND socially unsure if this would be rude, so I overrode what I wanted. Where is the line between following what you want to do and discerning what you should do? Anyway, I went, and (I felt) because I was there Cubu didn’t really spend time with his friend. So then I felt guilty for being there, because my presence kept these friends apart. This perception is entirely in my head based on how I imagine Cubu would have interacted were I not there. BUT everyone here was an adult that could make their own choices? And I wasn’t remotely keeping him near me/controlling anything in this situation, they just didn’t sit by each other much. So did I need to feel guilty about any of it? There are so many layers of codependency in here, I don’t even know how to sort it. Maybe I should have not gone and leaned into my independence. Or attended and been okay with however it went down because I was just existing? I seem to have guilt for controlling people and, in lieu of that, guilt for feeling like I should have controlled a bit so they would have had more time together. Jesus.
Snobby, better-than, and guilty for feeling those things. Cubu’s friends all talk about things. Movies, shows, robots, video games, random facts, DnD. And they connect with each other over these things. Sometimes, I get snapped out of the flow, look around, and feel completely struck by how much none of this fucking matters. It doesn’t matter. Not a single real thing, like a feeling or a thought or an experience, is mentioned. It’s like it’s all fluff. But who am I to think I’m more righteous for talking about feelings all the time? Some snobby part of me whines that ancient philosophers were on my side, but who cares about that? I’ve struggled with this all my life, feeling better-than for talking about deeper things. Which really comes down to a frustration that so few people want to have those deeper conversations. People like what they like talking about, I don’t understand why I need to judge them for that. I guess I just need to find people who want my type of conversation and to limit interactions that feel “fluffier”. It feels bad to both dislike myself for wanting more than there is/being unsatisfied, and disparaging others for not filling that need when I had control over whether I attended or not.
So fucking tired of caring about food, thinking about food, monitoring what I eat, monitoring my mood when I go to the kitchen, dealing with that mood on the spot. It just takes so much energy, and eating comes up healthily every 4 hours, not to mention all the binging potential in between those. It just never ends. I can’t even fathom how much energy I spend on this, how much I would have to spend on life if I could heal whatever this is. I just want to forget food until my body needs it. Growing up, each member of my small family was food obsessed and we weren’t exposed to many people outside of the family to see other lifestyles. Honestly, if I didn’t live with Cubu and know that’s how he operates, I wouldn’t believe a non-food obsessed life exists. I want it so badly.
Feelin’ good…
- My gratitude group was very supportive and accepting of me being honest about my meetings. I feel cared for and grateful to be in a community with these kind, growth-minded individuals.
- I self regulated today, taking care of my eating needs and planning out my day in preparation for knowing I may overeat the party. I did overeat, but not nearly as badly as I wanted to, and didn’t binge when I got home so I consider that a win for sure.
- I fucking love the show Bluey. There are so few things that make me feel as whole and happy as watching that show does, it’s like magic. A single ten minute episode and I’m feeling bliss. I’m grateful for the creators and funders of this show.
- spending a slow morning playing a cute video game with Cubu called Dredge. It was nice to reconnect and relax. My weeks are beginning to be more emotionally taxing as I dive into CODA and I really appreciated the break.
