Today I’m grateful for feeling…
exhausted and unfocused for the first half of the day. The depression has caught up with my sleeping habits and either prevents me from falling asleep at a reasonable time or plagues my sleep with panic attacks. The past couple nights have been rough, last night especially. I woke up several times, my entire body shaking and on the verge of tears. I could tell I had an awful nightmare but wouldn’t access it. Cubu tried to comfort me but being touched was too much and my body jerked away like his hand was a brand. I’ll have to focus more on making sure I go to sleep on time and maybe meditating on being safe right before going to bed.
dissociated and uncommunicative this morning. I met a new coworker and interacted with people that I normally love talking to, all in a haze. I desperately wanted to be interacting better, to be connecting, but I just could not get myself to feel whole and present. It was disappointing, as I could have used the interaction today.
out of sorts, exhausted, and non-communal in my meeting. I was so out of it. Normally I make sure to make eye contact through everyone’s shares, mirroring and making sure they know they’re being heard and felt. I just didn’t have it in me today, I was so happy when the meeting was done. I did share something that seemed to have a domino effect because most of the other attendees related to that share and built on it. That felt good, like I had contributed something meaningful. And I did feel slightly resorted in the end, if not drained.
Very reluctant to do another abuse chart entry. Each one feels unendurable and it’s so hard to make myself go back to that. Even though I think each one has led me to insight/healing. I drew “release” from the deck today, and I already knew I’m up for a big cry soon. Writing this out, I think I’ve decided that means do an entry for the chart. Fuck.
Feel good gratitudes:
- today’s therapy session with the new therapist left me feeling seen and hopeful. We’re still on intake so no current issues were discussed, but I liked her style and look forward to next week’s session. Grateful to have picked a good one (fingers crossed).
- proud of myself for pursuing a new therapist when I realized I couldn’t afford paying my out of network one. In the past I would have just rolled over, defeated, and not gotten help. And I’m grateful for insurance so I can afford to see this new professional.
- grateful for being able to take a 15 minute rest in bed. It really changed the entire back half of the day
- completing another Spanish chapter. I’m slowly progressing despite the mental fog and I just love the feeling of pronouncing Spanish words. Grateful to have free access to a language-learning course and to have a linguistics-bent brain
- drawing cards that gave me focus and guidance going forward. I really appreciate having been shown oracle decks, they give me an insight that I have real difficulty accessing otherwise.
- I seem to be out of my Story of Seasons phase. It’s been a week or two since I played it compulsively to avoid life and it feels good. Like I’m closer to being myself again.
Cards Pulled
MANIFEST: I take this to refer to my blog, which is nearly done and is near the spot where I typically give up
CLOSURE: TBD, I have no idea. I’m excited though! That may come to bite me later
RELEASE: I’ve been due for a big cry for a while so I take this as encouragement to allow/induce it
EGO + SOUL: came out of the deck together and resisted being put away with the rest of the cards. Ego is a path winding around a hillock, a very similar hillock is the focus on Soul. So I need to make sure to maneuver around my ego, to immerse myself in my full soul-truth. To see clearly.
