Today I’m grateful for…

having a window dropped off to be built on the same day that I was going to tell the guy I contract with that I’ll be taking a break. I’ve decided to take this as the universe telling me to keep building (which is a really wholesome thing and is probably the better move than stopping all together). My compromise was that I called him and told him I’ll build it but I’ll be slow so he won’t get it back for at least a month. So a mixed bag on the window itself. What truly irks me is that he dropped it off at my house, the full assumption he made to drive an hour south and plop work at my door. I don’t work for him! He doesn’t bankroll me, I’m not an employee. I’m an independent contractor. He needs to be asking me if I’ll take a contract before randomly dropping the job at my house. On the other hand, I never turn down windows so it was probably just poor timing.

I was about to write a bunch of mean words people only apply to women who stand their ground, like bitchy or pouty. Then realized it isn’t anything negative to state when someone has crossed a boundary and I don’t deserve to feel lesser just because I’m a woman doing it. Grateful for the perpetual anger and frustration I feel at the subtle and not so subtle ways women are kept in line. 

feeling self-conscious about sharing with a group of friends. I’m part of a group of 4 that meet once a week to talk about where we are on our “Hero’s Journey” (Joseph Campbell’s idea that real life models after the nearly universal hero journey that takes place in myth). Normally I’m the one struggling when we meet, but today I shared the big breakthroughs I had yesterday and felt really self-conscious about it. The other members had a rough week and I think they just didn’t have the energy. I know I’m always happy for their good news, even when I’m having a rough time, and my intuition tells me they feel the same. But they just seemed so drained afterwards, I just feel a bit deflated about it. Trying not to take it personally because I know it isn’t. Normally I’m better at that but this topic is so sensitive that I’m more touchy than normal. 

the conversation I had with Cubu yesterday about whether or not he’s going to ever tell his parents. The answer is never, so I have to figure out a way to stay true to myself and my values while also not outing him. It makes me want to really never see his parents. And I especially feel like I don’t have the energy for navigating 3 hours of small talk while skirting every religious push and/or deciding to set a boundary with them. Jeez.

Cubu insisting we play a game with his parents so the dinner went smoothly. They looked put-out that we spent all our time playing games and didn’t talk, and his mom expressed as much, but I think that’s what Cubu was going for.