Friday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Revelatory possibly? I’ve been thinking about how violent and aggressive I feel towards my dad, how strongly I want vengeance in a physical way. I was wondering if there are any other times I feel this kind of violence and it’s when I think about a partner masturbating. It’s so scary to be feeling and so unlike any feeling I have. Like when I would leave the house on days when Cubu worked from home, I’d dream about stomping his face in until it was mush. Or in a dream where he admitted he masturbated and I spent the dream desperately trying to stab him with a pair of scissors. Or when I was using an ex’s phone and Pornhub came up as a website suggestion when googling “po..”, I wanted to pummel him to death. Actual death: in that moment, I want them to die. There is literally no other situation that has ever come up that makes me feel like this. Now that I know the pattern, it seems obvious that it’s connected to my father, to this anger I have unleashed. All those child feelings of rage at my abuse that I had to stuff down, keep locked tight, come out in these scenarios that remind me of the abuse. How did I not put that together before? I feel a new self-compassion for a wacky behavior I have always felt shameful about and clarity. This trauma stuff is so fucking twisty, it takes so much work to notice the straight lines. 

Unbound and inspired. This whole week since truly admitting the trafficking to myself, I’ve felt overwhelmed by a constant anger but some of the time that explosive energy has been channeled into creativity and determination. I feel free to do things I had never let myself consider before. I feel brave and capable. I don’t understand how it works, but unleashing my pent up anger seems to have unbound my creativity and fire as well. I no longer stifle myself. I feel like a different person, it’s surreal. I’m kind of scared of it but mostly thrilled. Who am I, who will I be?

Seen, cared for, and inspired by some strangers. I went to a lunch meetup that I heard about while working – some women meet up to speak Spanish for lunch every Friday. I joined this week and I LOVED it. It was so confidence building because my comprehension and speech were better than I had thought they would be. And I really liked the two ladies that were there that day. It’s a long story but I ended up telling them about my abuse and SIA and it started a whole conversation. They were so supportive to me, a stranger, and these two retired women told me they admire me. They told me they can be my second support group and to let them know if they can help with anything I may do in the future. They meant it. I am so touched by the responses of those that hear me, the unyielding compassion that comes from all directions. It turns out everyone has a story of someone else they knew that went through something similar. That helps me feel less alone as well. I wonder how to start the conversation around these things, how can I contribute to normalizing this all too human experience of CSA?

Guilty after going to a Sheroes meeting. I wanted to tell them about the trafficking, they’ve been with me through this entire journey. It’s our whole thing, updating each other on our Hero’s Journey and mine has been the CSA. I had a hard time finding my words though and ended up stalling. I didn’t tell them until later in the meeting and I underestimated how much time I had. They were super supportive and loving, all three gave a big hug as I left. But it felt like trauma bombing because I hit them with “I was trafficked, now I’m super angry” then had to leave the meeting early. I know I’m definitely being harder on myself than they are. When people do that to me, I’m never angry at them. I just assume they needed to get that out, especially in a group like this. Now I’m feeling sad that I am my own worst critic, even if that’s super common.

Curious and excited after talking to one of Cubu’s coworkers. I have always liked this guy, he’s like the fully male presenting version of me but stronger in areas that I haven’t developed yet. He sees so much in people, geeks out over scientific personality assessments, and hits at the heart of things in conversations without shame. It feels like we would have been besties in another life here we made time for that kind of thing. That doesn’t feel good to write out. Anyway, he and another coworker of Cubu’s came over for a Catan night (my first time playing Catan!!) and I asked him for a lunch date. I said I wanted to go over our DiSC Assessments and wanted his evaluation of me. He said he’s wanted this from day one and was very excited. He wanted me about the valuation though, he is not one to sugar coat at all. I really want to see what an alternate version of me would see in myself so I don’t care. I told him there’s nothing he can critique that I haven’t already critiqued myself on. I hope he asks me for an assessment of himself too, although he isn’t as inward looking in the way I am. If I put all my points into looking inward to understand the out, he puts his in understanding the out to compare the in. Either way, psyched for this lunch date.