Today I’m grateful for feeling…

out of control in the work kitchen today. Someone left stale tri-flavored tray of donut holes from yesterday and you better believe I quickly and shamefully scarfed down every one with powdered sugar. Literally every one. It was grotesque. Then quickly fled before anyone could know. I didn’t used to hide my eating, this is a new feature. I’ve decided I’m going to just stop going to the kitchen at work. I have no reason to be there other than coffee, so I’ll just quit that too. With the exception of a library-wide breakfast tomorrow morning… Feeling hopeful to have a plan. Will update. 

unsuccessful with my meditation on safety before sleeping. I slept like a bird, and in my half-asleep state, wanted to murder Cubu for every movement he made that would wake me up. At one point I asked him to stop moving around and he sleep-snapped back at me that I’m imagining it. It was after this that I was ready to smother. 

physically inferior to the body I had just 3 months ago. We’re going swimming today with some friends and when I had met them, I was so fit and toned. Now I worry I’ll hold the group up with my lack of endurance. It makes me sad and ashamed that my weight gain + muscle loss has become apparent. That someone can see on the outside that I’m not doing well. That I’m a shadow of my active self. I know they won’t see this, no one is paying attention to me as much as I am. If they do see it, they won’t care or attribute anything to it. This is all me projecting. But I feel it anyway. 

Disappointed because we didn’t end up swimming. Despite my previous paragraph, I had been looking forward to swimming and used that as the reward at the end of my “working in my 95° garage for 4 hours” tunnel.

Annoyed with Cubu. Whenever we get into an argument that’s a test of memory, like one of us remembers it differently than the other, he almost NEVER admits he could be wrong. I’m always the one that has to say “neither of us know who is correct and it really doesn’t matter that much, can we please move forward?” While he says some shit like “I believe YOU believe your memories are correct.” How hard is it to admit you could be remembering something wrong? People misremember all the time! Literally earlier this evening I pointed out that he misremembered something about a scene we just watched, we went back, and I had it right! But hours later we’re back to his memory being infallible and I have to be the bridge. Why can’t mine just be assumed correct every now and then? We made up 10 mins later, hugging and each apologizing if they were the one to cause the event that’s being misremembered. I’m grateful for the books and time we put into learning how to have a disagreement and make up well. 

The feel-good highlights:

• spending the evening watching Atlantis and Brother Bear. It was comforting, nostalgic, and exactly low-key enough. I felt guilty for doing nothing but reminded myself that was the point.
• finishing the build of another window and telling my glass guy that I’ll give him the other two to build. He has no issue with it and I felt unburdened, like I had listened to what I needed and the friction disappeared. I’m so grateful to have a job I can do that with
• eating well today. Or rather not overeating, especially after the donut hole incident this morning. The trick is to encourage that lazy feeling that says “don’t get off the couch”. Not sure how good this is in the long run but I’ll take what I can get right now. 
• for sleeping pills and having access to them. They got me through David ‘s death so I have faith they’ll get me through this
• the breeze of the day. It was definitely a hot breeze but just enough to cool off the sweat as I worked and make it enjoyable.