Today I am grateful for…

Having one of the largest breakdowns of my life. The sounds I made were inhuman, I’ve literally never made sounds like that. I was inhaling my own snot as it ran into my mouth, which was drooling onto the ground the entire time. I was doing SIA chartwork and fleshing out an abuse event and got completely taken over. I felt a memory. I felt a memory and I made the space for those emotions to be felt, no matter how big or horrible they were. I solved a lifelong mystery that had caused me so much pain, and caused me to act in controlling and neurotic ways I have always repeated and been so ashamed of in every relationship. And I believed myself when the memory came to me. I’m exhausted and full of grief for younger me. My entire face is sore from the strain of it and my eyes don’t stay open easily. And my voice is gone. But in a fully felt way, I am so grateful this happened. I am freer right now than I have ever been in my entire life. And I have more hope than I’ve ever had. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but I’ve done something incredible today. 

The stress of knowing I have to travel tomorrow and interact with my foster family as if that didn’t just happen. Or the stress of telling them and bumming them out. And the stress of having to think about it at all. I just want to sleep for a week.

Frustrated that I didn’t put more effort into finding another recovery partner quicker, I didn’t think I’d need someone so soon. But I find that what I’ve remembered has to be shared but I can’t seem to share it with my friends. I shared it with Cubu but my heart needs more of a response, you know?

the growing hatred I have for my father. I haven’t been able to access my anger for him since he died almost 10 years ago. I thought I was over it but it turns out I was just hiding it very securely. I’ve been working on letting myself feel it now that I know it’s there and it’s working but I’m scared it will consume me. I take great consolation that he died slowly and agonizingly, and I feel like that’s one of the only comforts I’ve gotten from him. 

this yearning I have to have a mom right now. I probably sound like a broken record, but I just want someone that feels like an adult to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay, to tell me how to go forward. Someone at least a generation older than me who knows more and seems wise.