Wednesday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Embarrassed after our call. I realized how spoiled, ungrateful, and blind to my privilege I’ve been recently. I took you to show you the “mess of my living situation” and realized I walked through a house, that is mine, that is safe, that is lovely and comfortable, to show you a GUEST BED that is also all of those things. I used to sleep on a comforter on the floor, I used to live in a neighborhood laced with meth and guns and abuse. Yet I wrote a whole paragraph yesterday about having to sleep in a different bed THAT WAS STILL IN MY HOUSE. I can mourn feeling displaced but I have been really humbled, I can’t forget how much I have and the stability/safety it grants me on a daily basis. 

Guilty for part of my share in the meeting today that triggered someone in the group. Then trying not to beat myself up for feeling guilty, since the guilt is a codependent reaction. The trigger was when I was listing things I’m grieving right now, one of which is the person I could have been. She wasn’t unkind, but was clearly in a bad state over it and expressed that in her own share. She hadn’t thought of it before. And hearing her torture over thinking about it made me feel awful, why did I have to say that out loud? But of course I couldn’t have known this would be triggering, and it isn’t on its own. I know I didn’t cause her this pain, that it was already there and I just happened to trip on it. Directly seeing someone painfully react to something I said made a portion of me curl into myself, burned by having hurt someone else. I was almost crying by the end of her share, maybe I was resonating with her discovery of it, remembering how that felt. I don’t know. It wasn’t a big feeling but it was there.

Let down by myself, off the path. I realized that I’ve prioritized our practice over my other gratitude group so much that I barely interact with theirs anymore. Which isn’t a problem in itself, people are moved to do what is relevant to them. But I realized it was taking something from me to not participate with them. I stopped taking the time to be grateful for those little things that keep you afloat. I’ve acknowledged now that I need their practice just as much as this one and it will be fine. I just feel bad about myself for having let something slip. I can hear my therapist (literally every therapist I’ve ever had actually) saying “you’re being too hard on yourself” lol. It felt shocking to notice today, I guess I’m grateful to have caught the oversight and to have the chance to fix it.

Concerned about my Po5, which was a Po6, and is now a Po4 lol. I hope no one else leaves and I don’t have to find a new group for this work. Maybe it would be good though, since it didn’t feel that good last time. We’ll see.

Feelin’ good…

• My SIA meeting today was incredible. Everyone was so open and in touch, our second shares were so communal and related. There’s a line in the literature somewhere to “let the light, love, and spirit of the program grow in you” and I really felt that today. I love my group, I love life, and I’m so grateful to have met this wonderful, courageous group of women. And to get to be of service to them.
• Your package arrived!!! Kinda. No one was home when they came but I scheduled a pickup on Saturday. I’m so excited for this to be made real, although it seems silly that it can get realer than it already is.
• Talked to my mom today, learned more about her childhood, and shared more about how I experienced mine. I feel good about it, like we speak the same language now and are more aware/better at enforcing our limits and boundaries. It kinda feels like catching up with an aunt more than a mom. Maybe I’m also still hopeful that she’ll feel more mom-like as time goes by but I’m very grateful for what I already have.
• Richard came to my volleyball game!!! I haven’t had someone come to my games, it felt like I had a family there. He used to play + coach volleyball and is still a religious watcher. He gave us some pointers that really excited me, I’d love to keep playing better and be a real competitor. I felt loved and seen and supported.