Sunday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Loose and excited by the couple’s massage Cubu and I got. I liked experiencing that with him, especially since I had effectively prohibited massages in our relationship until now.  I chose a deep tissue so I’m suffering in a big way today but I know it’s good stuff. We also played 2.5 hours of dodgeball immediately beforehand so that might be contributing lol.

Challenged and strained to continue my inner work. As my outer life gets better, it’s getting harder and harder to convince myself to do the work. Even though the former is caused by the latter. When I felt bad most of the time, it felt easier to make myself feel worse? Or maybe I’m making that up in a “grass is always greener” style. It’s probably always been this hard, I just had a different reference point.

Excited!!! I found a Spanish immersion school in Costa Rica and booked a Q & A with them for Tuesday before finishing my application!!!!!! Holy shit I’m doing the thing!!

Stunned after a phone call with my mom. I told her about my feeling that dad would kill me if I told. Again, she was not surprised and had stories of her own. Mind you, she doesn’t shit talk my dad. Even after everything, she works very hard to not mention his bad things unless someone asks. So I got to hear some stories for the first time. Like about how violent he was, how she was scared he’d kill her, how their court-mandated anger management guy told her he was terrified of her. And now that I was told this, I remember stories of him almost drowning his ex wife, throwing axes at my half-brother’s door to get him out, pulling out two pistols on my mom after an argument, killing his ex wife’s cats while she was on a vacation. She said that he threatened to extort her parents, that he knew she really didn’t want us to stay with him and if they paid, he would let us be with mom for a price. How have I come from this? I know I’ve asked this before. I feel awful, I feel like his evil epigenetically had to have passed to me in some form. What did he endure to get that way, what were his parents like?? It’s all stranger than fiction and I have a hard time staying with my feelings just thinking about it. Did he touch my brother?

Sad because my brother has been avoiding me since I shared my truth with them months ago. He can’t handle emotional things AND upkeep his repression so he doesn’t talk to me. I can tell he misses me and loves me. He probably feels bad. I’m sad that all this great work I’ve been doing for myself seems to be causing the gap between my brother and I to widen. 

Loved, warm, and fuzzy. Cubu got me a sticker book and a bunch of Bluey stickers as a little gift. Little did he know, I had gotten HIM a little gift that I knew he had been wanting. We sat there, in the house we made each other, feeling precious and loved together as we appreciated the other’s thoughtfulness. It was a very sweet and tender moment.