Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Tired, confused, and unsatisfied after a late night disagreement with Cubu. It’s an intimacy issue and I feel guilty that I’m not healed yet, that I’m not where I need to be. I still control him in this way, and it is getting better, but I’m impatient to be done with it. And I’m frustrated that we have always had this issue, worried that we’ll always have it. I just wish it weren’t a thing, that we could just exist without considering sex and all its complications. I’m also stressed that I’ve lost half a night of sleep over it, I just feel like I can’t catch up. 

Lost and unsure of how to proceed the morning after. I didn’t want to ignore him but I could look at him either. I was so mired in a combination of personal shame and being triggered still/irrationally disgusted with him. Everything was so unresolved. And we had this big day planned for like a month, this was the road trip/day date day! So then I was further upset with myself that I couldn’t knock myself out of it. I did some breathing stuff and spent a lot of the time low-key regulating without letting on that last night was still very much alive. I could have told, but then I felt I’d ruin this whole day. It very much tied into my life pattern of smoothing things over at the expense of communication and being emotionally seen.

Disappointed in a big way. 2.5 hours of driving later, we got to the city we’ve been waiting all month to visit – just for it to have none of the things we went there for. We got some burritos as consolation and began the drive back after an hour in the city. I felt silly for asking that we go there for these things, and for it to turn out so fruitless. Cubu is fine, he enjoys every day as it is, and I’m trying to adopt his attitude. 

Desperate for an escape from my house and my partner and my jobs. To have a week somewhere unrelated to anything, without my phone, to rediscover my baseline without feeling one responsibility or another tug at me. To forget the CSA for a bit, to have a break from feeling like a victim/survivor. I feel embarrassed even saying this because my responsibilities must look like child’s play to you, but they feel all-encompassing to me. Grateful for the progress this shows: previous to these past couple months, just thinking about spending a week without my partner was panic-worthy. 

Dull resignation knowing that even after the stressful talks last night and this morning, I’ll still have to whore my body to satisfy tonight. Self-prescribed “have to”, but it doesn’t feel like a choice. Doing this feels bad but the alternative feels worse. I just want to be free of this and be able to sleep. And I want to be able to tell Cubu that I just don’t want this right now. Feeling trapped in a familiar place, closing the cell door on myself and feeling incapable of walking out. 

Highlights:

• the day in that city was a bust but we ended up having a date day in this asian market district in a city on the way home. Kura sushi, JAPANESE STATIONARY STORE!!!!!, and a huge asian market where we’ve come away with all sorts of goodies. I hunted for all the hot pot stuff so I’ll know where it is when I’m feeling better. 
• having so many mental health tools at my disposal. I was able to think myself off one ledge or another all day, and process/ communicate some heavy stuff along the way. 
• having such a loving and supportive partner. He would do nearly anything to make me feel better, so strong is his need to fix. I don’t usually have any idea of what he could do but he’s down for it if I do. Is this unhealthy? What’s a healthy amount of support?
• having a day away from the house has given me some relief from that claustrophobic feeling I was having.
• even having had a good day, I’m so grateful to have my/our precious bed waiting for me at the end of it.