Monday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Fucking awful as I consider the stress and fear I grew up under. I was barely there in my SIA meeting today, I even had my eyes closed and my head on the table. For reference, I’m almost always upright making eye contact with whoever is speaking. It’s important to me to show them I’m listening but I just couldn’t today. He would have killed me. My dad would have killed me if I had told. Or would have tried to. Either way, I grew up believing my parent, the only adult I was around when we were with him, was dangerous enough to end my life. I can’t compare this to realizing I was sexually assaulted but this is pretty bad shit. It’s devastating. I feel so heavy and helpless.

Daunted by how much work it would be to change my name. Also daunted by the idea of keeping my abuser’s last name. It would be worth it and it would be my entire life, an investment. But it’s a lot to look at in the face. 

Certain about Costa Rica, certain enough to mention it to people as if I’ve already paid. Normally I keep my projects a secret until it’s set in stone, but I feel so assured about taking this trip that I find myself sharing it early. It’s thrilling.

Grief as I realized that I always knew how to have sex. I started when I was 14 and (to my knowledge) had not watched any porn or had any reference for how sex should look like. But I entered it with no fear that usually comes with a new territory. Me, a person who had confidence in nearly nothing, felt confident going into sex. I knew where to put myself, knew what sounds to make, when to make them. Is this more normal than I think? Based on books and movies, teens are nervous about having sex for the first time, what to do, how to touch someone. I don’t have it in me to look it up. 

Nervous and pent up after sharing my truth on Facebook. I didn’t want to hold my father’s secrets anymore, or feel like I was living two separate lives. Statistically, a bunch of my friends have experienced this too. I want this verbalization of a shared experience to strengthen, embolden, and help them be honest as well. It was a great relief, bridging my internal and external worlds, even if it’s also nerve wracking.

Loved. Cubu got me this adorable stuffed animal called “seagull with fry”. It’s literally a seagull with a fry in it’s mouth, it’s so fucking good. And his face when he gave it to me, so excited for me to experience this gift. I’m so grateful to have such a thoughtful partner.

Sad and disappointed when I got all prepped and ready to Stick and Poke my wedding tattoo just to discover I’ve misplaced the petroleum during the plumbing ordeal. I felt so ready, so excited. I’m glad it didn’t happen, I think I want to make it more special and ceremonious than I was about to do today. The disappointment still lingers though.