Friday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Sick but less so? I felt my fever break during the night and spent the morning a bit delirious, napping in and out. But it’s afternoon now and I’m feeling great, if not slightly tired and flushed. I’m also disappointed in myself because even though I could barely read and I’m pretty sure pushing myself too hard is what made me sick, I tried doing my CODA homework in between the delirious napping. I mean what the fuck. Is that a flight response? Is that perfectionism? Whatever it is, I should be able to just REST without feeling like I’m failing. I’m so aware of this behavior, why can’t I seem to get on top of it? Why is it one of my more difficult habits to break?
Confused and unwilling to change anything about my schedule that will allow for me to take it easier, even though I clearly need to. I worried when I added CODA that 5 days a week of exhuming the noxious tar of my past would be a bit much. But now I love the groups I’m in and the work done in them. I love our practice and my other practice. And I couldn’t possibly cut out the sports. What I’ve ended up cutting out is quality time with Cubu. We’ve both noticed and it doesn’t feel good for either of us. The alarming thing is that I find time with Cubu has become the least rewarding part of my day? I don’t know if that’s because time together is always unproductive and I’ve become especially averse to that recently? Or if it’s because the rest of my day is full of emotionally rich connections and Cubu and I just don’t have that? I hate that I’m writing this out. This feels so obviously like a red flag with a megaphone on top of it. Like something I’ll read when I’m single in the future and say “fuck, it was right fucking there and you knew it.” Is that just my anxiety speaking, or is it my intuition? I’m going to decide, as I always decide, that it isn’t a fundamental lack in our relationship and that avoiding time with him is just a version of me avoiding downtime. Is that truth, denial, or survival? Oof this one did NOT feel good to flesh out.
Surprised at what my CODA homework uncovered. There are lists of codependency patterns in CODA, separated into five types of patterns: denial, low self-esteem, compliance, control, and avoidance. This whole time I have been so sure that the control patterns fit me the most. I didn’t even read the other ones really because I knew myself to be predominately controlling. In the homework we have to go through every pattern in each category and reflect on whether/how our behaviors align with those. I discovered that while I do resonate with about half of the control patterns, my predominant behavioral grouping was definitely low self-esteem! I fit all but two of the ten or so patterns listed! Maybe I had been looking in the wrong place when deciding which behaviors to target first, apparently what I really need is some self worth.
Profound grief for my younger self all growing up. In doing the CODA work, I also discovered a pattern and its cause that is really hitting home. I was *absolutely* sure that I would commit suicide by the time I was 17. It was my pact to myself when I was around 11, I would. not. age past 17 years. For some reason, I’ve never stopped to wonder why I chose 17? It’s such a specific number. In the CODA homework, I realized that I was absolutely, beyond the fear of anything else, terrified of becoming an adult. Watching and living with my mom, who was the only adult figure in my life growing up, taught me that adulthood was an unending stretch of misery, struggle, desperation, and betrayal. That even adults couldn’t trust their own judgment, since my mom had misjudged my father so completely and always brought that up. I didn’t know there was any other way of being an adult, her life and emotions consumed mine. I was so sure adulthood was the equivalent to pain that was somehow worse than what I had already endured. When I think of an 11 year old in my head and imagine her deciding the world beyond 17 is the worst that could happen to her, I want to cry forever.
Feelin’ good…
- I was too sick to run my SIA meeting but someone stepped up to facilitate. I was grateful that the meeting didn’t go dark, and to have someone semi-reliable to keep it up if I fall ill. I was proud of myself for asking for help, for admitting I was sick in the chat and stepping aside. I felt the strong urge to facilitate it anyway, to push through the illness, to shame myself for needing to step down.
- I’m so grateful for my SIA recovery partner, she truly is a blessing. She’s so insightful and I feel braver around her when she shares what she’s found. It was total coincidence that allowed us to meet. I feel like my best relationships have been found in that way.
- The first layer of paint worked! There’s no color difference!!!! The matching saves us from having to paint two whole walls, I’m so happy about it. We’ll do the second coat and the ceiling then that’s one room entirely done!
- I’ve been noticing this past month, or since really leaning into my self-love practice, that I don’t procrastinate nearly as often. Like if something needs to be done or I need to call my insurance, things that in the past I’d put off for MONTHS, I’m much more likely to do them in a reasonable amount of time. It’s progress. I think it’s because my self-love practice makes me feel less afraid and more capable. Cool shit.
