Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Humbled again by my coworker that I’m rebuilding a relationship with. I complimented her pink shirt yesterday, saying that the color really suited her because it did. Today she told me right away in the morning, delighted, that she’s wearing pink again today because I had said she looked good in it. I felt touched that she had considered my opinion so highly, but also taken aback by how little effort it took to be in her good graces. I used to grumble about her daily, I was so unforgiving, judgmental, and righteous. All she wanted was for me to like her and she’s like a totally different person. I really should have gotten over myself more quickly and keep taking what I can from this lesson.
Nervous about tonight. Historically, on Wednesdays before Work From Home Thursdays are very tense, sometimes hostile on my end. It usually entailed me initiating sex right away to “stake my claim” in a way on his body (I’m not proud), but also in a desperate attempt to connect before the inevitable Thursday fit. Then I spend the rest of the evening sullen and unable to enjoy anything. We go to bed and I refuse “last kiss”, a ritual of ours, and face away from him to sleep rather than curl around him and cuddle like usual. The most recent times I’ve done this freezing was less to punish him and more to keep myself contained so as to not act out, but the result was the same. We have volleyball tonight so luckily I will be spared trying to spend quality time with him. Yet I still feel the pressure to have sex tonight before the morning. It feels different, definitely more connection than control, but the control isn’t completely gone. And I just dread Dread the morning. It’s taking a lot of energy to keep my anxiety in check.
Kind of sick? Like something is wrong with my throat in a way that sometimes indicates I’m fighting something. But we have so much going on I don’t feel like I can stop the roll of this momentum to rest. Then I feel guilty for not respecting my body and making the time, and even guiltier because I know all this and choose to neglect my needs anyway. I figure if I end up sick on Thursday or Friday, I’ll have learned my lesson and won’t do it again. Update: after writing this, I couldn’t let myself get away with it and canceled my plans this afternoon so I could rest before the volleyball game. Hopefully this works. I feel good either way to have respected what my body needs. In the meantime, I will do my best not to fill this rest time with chores and work. Honestly, I’m wondering if this sickness isn’t more somatic than it is an infection considering tomorrow is Thursday…
Feelin’ good…
- I had a lot of quality conversation with coworker friends, including Cameron (guy who I’m having coffee with next week) and Edward (I’ve mentioned her once before but without a name). I feel so grateful to have so many wonderful, growth-minded people at my workplace to connect with. I know that work relationships typically don’t last beyond leaving that workplace so I soak them in whenever I can.
- I’ve been eating really well the past week. I feel so much more energized, healthy, and I’ve lost 4 pounds, although that’s mostly water weight from stopping the carbo binge I had been on. I’m just glad to have this respite from stuffing my face, although I keep looking over my proverbial shoulder for my binging behavior to return. Brene Brown calls this “foreboding joy” and I’m so grateful she made a term for this feeling I get all the time.
