Today I’m grateful that…

I can get back to my practice with you, and my other routines.

When my family left I was a mess because I had to rejoin my life. I cried and nearly booked us a weekend vacation for next weekend just trying to not be here. But I caught myself, realized what I was doing, and just let myself feel. But it sucked. And I barely talked to them the entire time they were down here. It’s a 22 hour drive down, let alone back, and I could barely muster energy to talk and interact. And when I had the energy, what could I talk about? This hobby? I couldn’t bring myself to bring it up. And have convinced myself they don’t want to know, which I don’t think is true. 

I was so TIRED, I just laid down and did literally nothing for hours. I couldn’t read or focus my eyes or think or anything, I sat there like a sack. I’m privileged to have the time to do it, so I am grateful for that as well. 

I’m in a low-morale state. I guess I lost the momentum of what I was doing. Now I’m dropped back into it and needing to make my own inertia. It feels Herculean. 

Tomorrow is family day with Cubu’s family. I’ll do my best to be there, but we’ll have to leave immediately after an SIA meeting (the deepest, most heart wrenching group of those meetings that I’m in). So we’ll see if I can make it. I could always not go, but I feel so guilty at not showing up to everything. And not being there for Cubu since he spent the last two days being there for me with my foster family.