Tuesday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Guilty for disappointing Cubu and guilty for caring. He wanted sex today and I just didn’t have it in me, it was a big crying day today. I was catatonic for the entire evening. I shouldn’t feel bad for saying no, I don’t owe him my body. But instead of reaching out to him, I turned away and skipped the pre-sleep cuddle. I didn’t feel I could face him and not feel victimized by his sexual presence. I know logically that this is understandable but emotions are high right now. It took so long to feel safe enough to sleep.

Loved, supported, and maybe a tiny bit disappointed after posting my truth on social media. I’ve gotten so many comments saying I’m brave, congratulating me. They feel good but that wasn’t my purpose. I was really hoping it resonated with someone, that I’d get a message from someone looking for a fellow survivor. I’m also baffled that the support isn’t overwhelming me. In a past life, I would have given up limbs to be receiving the support and compassion that I am now. I guess I’m thrilled that I fill my own cup enough? It feels like overflowing rather than filling my cup.

Baffled and shocked yet more whole after my therapy session today. We did parts work where I mentally sat down in the imaginary tree house I’ve built for my parts and talked to them one on one. Do you have anything to share with me, do you want anything from me, thank you for all you’ve done to keep us safe and alive. It was so fulfilling. I found out new things about existing parts and discovered two new parts. I also have a better feeling for the moods/definitions of these parts. It was surreal and it took some reigning in of my disbelieving frontal cortex to make it work. I’m grateful to have a therapist who does parts work and could help me connect with myself in this gentle way.

Elated and committed… I tattooed my wedding tattoo! The one that is from me to me, my commitment to myself. I’m so excited to write my vows on the plane tomorrow, to commit to myself at the river, to celebrate with friends and family once I have my name changed. I have been reborn and I want to share that thrill, that freedom. I’m also a bit annoyed because one of the dots in my tattoo is half a dot-length too high. I tell myself it’s okay because I’m committing to my imperfect self. But the perfectionist in me is angry lol. Now to figure out my new, chosen middle name.