Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Sick lol, I was right. I feel so stupid for making myself play volleyball yesterday, for exposing my team to whatever I have. I told them I wouldn’t go to practice today, which was a big move because my inclination is to push through it. But my head feels like shit and it’s all muddy, I hate when it’s hard to think. I went to work and they told me to go back home, which was a good call because I have a fever now.

Huge grief. I kept myself in my feelings last night rather than shutting down and as a result, cried so hard I fucking puked. Some cries make me feel on the verge of that but it’s never gotten there before. I felt so much grief for my younger self that endured my father. I felt overwhelmed by the pain and violation of his betrayal. I just kept thinking in this tiny, child-like voice “how could he do that to me?” At the same time, I kept in contact with my Loving Inner Parent (I’m going to start calling this LIP) and way inwardly saying soothing things, allowing myself to cry, that it was okay, that we’re safe now. It was pretty intense. 

💡Revelatory💡After the wailing but before going to bed, I had a flash of insight that clicked a high-key mystery of my life into place: Of course I thought every man was a predator out to use me, that they just saw me for my body and lied about the rest. My dad was the only man I knew domestically, and he could be really cool and charming outside of the house. He was even nice to me when we were in public. Inside the home though, he was a monster. Without knowing what another male was like within the home, I developed very early on the opinion that every man was like that. It simply wasn’t safe to assume anything else. Which became this lifelong conviction that I’ve suffered with: that every man is secretly a sex/porn addict and that, given two seconds alone, would please themselves while watching the vilest of porn. It also explains why I’m so obsessed with catching them, with showing myself that yes, they are like my father and I was right to keep myself safe from them and not trust anyone. I can’t emphasize how long or how much I’ve suffered from this, believing every male friend I have, every male coworker, every guy at the gas station, is a predator if they get me in their house and WILL abuse me. I feel a slow release of tension all over my body and mind as all the pieces finish clicking in. 

Sad to be missing volleyball practice. The practices are better/longer/more intense than the games as they typically last 4 hours and are with a larger variety of people. The summer season is only four weeks so missing this practice feels like a significant loss. And sad to be changing my position in softball. I’ve been shortstop for the past two seasons and it’s a really exciting position, lots of action and running around and most ground balls come to me there. But last season I broke my finger on a fast grounder during our first game and now I’m scared of the ball. I got back on the horse and played short again but it just wasn’t the same, I kept flinching away if it was going fast enough. I told my captain yesterday to move me to third, second, or even outfield where they get less grounders. I loved being SS, it felt important and I was okay at it, getting better with each game. Hopefully a season in a less intense position will help my confidence so I can maybe go back. Or maybe I’ll like this one even more, who knows.

Angry, hopeless, frustrated, appalled at my options for presidency. Watching the live debate today of Biden vs Trump, I just hate that this is where my country is. Biden is so old, he can barely talk coherently. And don’t get me started on Trump. What the fuck. I think we just have to wait for one of these guys to die to elect someone reasonable since both parties won’t budge on frontlining them. It’s fucking awful. I vote consciously every time I can and it feels like it makes no difference.

Feelin’ good…

• This Thursday went better than any Thursday, better than any other time a partner masturbated and I knew about it. It wasn’t without bumps but I didn’t feel consumed with hatred and violence at someone I loved, I didn’t feel out of my mind. When I started to struggle, I removed myself, addressed the core emotion (despair that it wasn’t a “perfect Thursday” and allowed myself to cry while self-soothing. I hugged Cubu and told him I loved him. Then I took a nap (mind you, I’m feverish through all of this). I’m very grateful for his patience and love while I struggle with something that, to him, isn’t even a thing to blink at. 
• THE SIA WORKED!!!!! Even during the bumps, very little of it was even masturbation related, it was all codependent/abandonment stuff of “he’s having a good time while I’m not there/I hate lacking control”. Which means I’ve untangled it!!!!!! This writhing ball of gross, icky emotions that used to engulf me at random now has labels! And one of the two of my core issues seems to be largely healed!!!! A whole lifetime under this. I can barely believe it. In fact, I have a hard time not poo-pooing myself and half of my brain thinks I fever-dreamed up this morning. I’m not fully recovered, but I’m capable of soothing myself before I get too triggered and sexual triggers aren’t at all what they used to be. I can barely believe it. I’m so grateful for SIA. 
• Later in the day I was losing my shit a bit, and continued to self-soothe rather than act it out. I knew I was just tired and feeling sicker than before so I kept calming myself. This is huge compared to the past, where I would have just lashed out because I was feeling bad. I’m grateful to have discovered a Higher Power to pray to that helps me get through things like this.
• I’ve had a great day preceded by a few weeks of great days and I’m so grateful to not be in the grief I was in two months ago. I know it comes in waves so I’m really just trying to be conscious and enjoy my time in the up so I can hold onto it when I go back down.