Today I’m grateful for feeling…

very disconnected and out of it. I’ve done a great job of distracting myself all day in an effort to discourage feeling so this entry will probably be short.

Worried about the climate. I frequently feel stressed about it but push it away out of impotence. My section of the state is being hit with an excessive heat warning for today through half the week and it’s only May! 96° but “feels like” 116°?! What the fuck. I’m glad I moved here when I did because I don’t think this place is long for being realistic to live in. But say I move, to where? I can’t be the only one thinking of moving. And how scary to be in a world where one has to relocate because we’ve messed up our own climate?

burdened by the weight of our suspended fear. It’s like grieving, there are pockets where you forget but in any blank space, it comes back. One moment Cubu and I are fine playing a game, then a silence hits and we both go back to thinking the same things. Tears again. Very tearful household recently. Not sobbing, just a trickle that escapes whenever one of us has a chance to think. We set each other off with it. Luckily, we’re also quick to comfort the other and find a new distraction. Again, Buddhism says to accept the pain and fear. How do you go about your day?

guilty that I struggle to show up to my other gratitude practice in favor of this one. It’s in another group chat and has begun feeling redundant once we began adding a positivity section to our practice. I make the effort most days but not with the consistency I had for the past couple months. As a founding member of that group, it feels almost like a betrayal. I’m probably the only one thinking this far into it though, or even noticing in a meaningful way.

Just the goods…

• I’ve nearly finished my blog, all the posts have been edited for pseudonyms and uploaded. This is the closest I’ve been to finishing a big project in a long time, I’m grateful for that oracle card for spurring me on, for the YouTube videos that taught me how to build a website, and for Cubu’s patience as I ask a bunch of tech questions.
• getting to play a card game Jaipur. It’s a fun marketplace game and I can see how far I’ve come with light strategy compared to when I started playing the game. It feels wholesome to put on Indian music and play a game set in another time and place.
• impromptu cooking that turned out to be a multi-course meal of foods I’ve never interacted with before. I started us with a cinnamon glazed sand pear, then tumeric/chive/feta turkey burgers with a side of thyme coated chipotle red sweet potato, finished off with some chilled lychee. I’m grateful to live near a market that can give me foods I’d otherwise never get to eat.
• really relishing in my newish ability to cook by feel. The kitchen doesn’t intimidate me anymore as of this past year or so. I feel pretty confident just throwing things together, guestimating amounts/cook times, and it usually works! Grateful to have a kitchen to cook in and a fridge.
• having meaningful sex with Cubu today. It’s been a long time since I didn’t feel like I was revictimizing myself with intimacy. Today was a special combo of fear and spontaneity that knocked me out of my usual patterns of reluctance and discomfort – I was able to enjoy us enjoying ourselves and forget my current issues with it for a precious moment. It was a hopeful thing.