Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Nervous? Excited? Concerned? at becoming the official moderator for my Friday SIA group. We just finished going through Step 1, which took about 3 months, and I signed on to moderate for Step 2 and 3, saying I’d revisit after that. In theory that’s 6 months of formal commitment to service. Way more than I’ve ever done. What if I don’t do it well? What if I want to stop? What if, what if. I tell myself I’ll do a good enough job, since every moderator is just a survivor, and that it’s an opportunity to learn assertiveness and confidence in front of others in an emotional space. All may be true, but it’s a task to KEEP reminding myself of these things. 

Unsettled by the vibe of the coffee shop I went to today, but not super triggered like I would have been six months ago? The front ordering area looks normal but the back seating has walls lined with photos of naked women. It’s meant more as a body positivity thing than anything sexual, although some were sexual also. In the past it would have triggered, full blown, my deep aversion to images meant for male pleasure even though they were artsy. I would have been internally freaking out and completely frozen, unable to tell anyone that I couldn’t be there and why I couldn’t be there. And I would be constantly scanning every man in the room to make sure they weren’t turned on (because to that child in me that meant I would be prey). Today it was just a light unsettled feeling and I was even able to appreciate some for just being bodies. I put this in the not “feelin’ good” section because the newer me hasn’t been confronted with images like this yet and I feel so sad for how panicky my inner children were, how scared. I was able to keep my shit together because my LIP was in control but inside, my kids were still very on edge. Clearly I have more work to do on this, or maybe they just take time to heal. 

Frustrated with Cubu, that he doesn’t think before he speaks more. Or with myself for bringing up the topic. I was (without need) justifying aloud how having coffee with my friends is what the Complex PSTD book calls “social therapy”. Cubu says I don’t need to justify because he doesn’t mind that I have coffee with friends, but that it was a weak excuse if I was. I wanted to slap him. As it was, I told him to try reading a book then talk to me about it. Then put myself in another room. He, who doesn’t know how to have an emotional conversation, who doesn’t know how to be even 20% as emotionally in touch and present as my friends, dares to comment on social therapy as if he knows what the fuck he’s talking about. If I had conversations about fucking board games and movies all the time, sure that would be a weak excuse at “social therapy”. But he literally lacks the emotional depth to understand the nature of those conversations. I know this because I try – and fail – to have them with him all the time! This has obviously hit a nerve but I can’t for the life of me figure out what I’m reacting to so strongly. Normally I’m ready to apologize and make up pretty quickly but for some reason I find myself refusing to make the move until he apologizes for “weak excuse”. The stupid thing is I didn’t even need to be saying what started all of this!

Sad. After sitting on it for a while, I realize I’m sore because I feel misunderstood and emotionally alone in my relationship. Yes, that old chestnut. I chose a partner that’s largely emotionally illiterate and this tiny comment was just a sharp display of the discrepancy between how we prefer and are capable of communicating. If he could feel how it is to have conversations like I do with my friends, he would know it’s therapy. But he doesn’t, and I’ve never fully accepted that feature, so here I am. Self pity? Sure. I’ll come round to gratitude in a couple hours but for now I’m just sad.

Annoyed and hurt at my brother. It took us (my mom, my brother, his gf, Cubu, and I) like 2 months to plan this family game night. We used to be really regular about it but fell off at some point. Today he pushed it back by half an hour, then by another half an hour because he went on a run without telling anyone or looking at the time. It all folds into this lifelong pattern he has of being flippant towards the efforts others make to include him in things, and of not respecting the family’s time. My time. What is the non-codependent way of dealing with this? Do I address it? I guess the kid in me just wants him to love me as much as I love him and gets disappointed and sad at every little thing like this that shows he doesn’t.

Angry that I have such an ignorable voice. Put me in a group and I’ll start talking in a gap in the convo and literally no one will hear me, it’s like I speak into the void. Someone will start talking over me and everyone will join in their conversation as if it was the first one on the floor. It can happen a handful of times in one group before I give up and just stop talking. I’m clearly doing “talking” wrong and need to take a class or something because it’s so fucking frustrating. It immediately makes me want to leave wherever I am. 

Feelin’ good…

• Had tea with Edward and was immediately reminded of why I love her so much. She just gets it and is always willing to sit and hold space. And she has such a way with words, hearing her describe her life is a pleasure. I’m so grateful to have enriching friendships like hers and should really keep in touch more often than I do.
• Once I fleshed out my feeling in our practice, I went back to Cubu and we talked about it, both listening to and understanding the other. I’m so proud of how we’ve learned/been trained to navigate conflict and for the growth we’ve done that allows us to have conversations rather than fights. Instead of pushing us apart like they used to, they end up drawing us together and fostering a mutual respect. Big thanks to the Gottman’s and their Love Institute. 
• Had a good SIA meeting today. I was going to answer the prompts with surface level shit and celebrate some achievements but decided I need to get more intense with how I use my meeting time. So I dug, then dug, then dug, until I was multiple layers deep into whatever that prompt elicited and pieced together something significant. I’m grateful to have the practice of emotional digging from our project so I could do it on the fly like I have to in meetings.