Today I’m grateful for feeling…

out of it, like I’m kind of gliding through the day without truly interacting with it. In conversations, it feels like it takes 100% of my brain power to stay present and to hear what is being said. And I feel vulnerable to the voice in my head that takes things personally. Normally I have enough in me to mitigate it as it comes up: “No, he’s not looking at you weird. She’s probably just busy working, not avoiding you. And if they are, it’s likely from them having their own deal, no need to dwell.” But with all of my brain going to looking like I’m listening and attempting to absorb the words being said, there’s no in the moment defense against that kind of thought. I can recalibrate/mitigate afterwards, but in the moment it makes an already stressful thing more stressful. 

Guilty and like a bad friend for avoiding my Hero’s meeting. I just don’t have it in me today. I could barely talk in short bursts about work stuff to coworkers, I definitely can’t provide active listening and comfort to my group members who I know will need it. And good for me for acknowledging that and claiming what I need. But I know that one member still isn’t doing well, and honestly neither is the other one that might be there. But the suicide risk one, what if today was the day she needed interaction to stave off a death? These meetings are the only days where I have the ability to make a difference for her and I feel so guilty not attending, not doing what feels like my duty, especially when I’m missing it for my own reasons. And maybe that’s grandiose, maybe I’m making more of what I give her than I actually do. But if it isn’t, then it matters a great deal and I’m letting her down. I feel like I’m betraying Ludvig by not showing up for her in this way.

Sad, content, and again guilty, at the thought that my Hero group is on its last leg. I don’t want to attend anymore, another member messaged me this morning that she won’t be either, and another member only comes to half of the meetings anyways. That just leaves the suicide risk member that needs the consistency and community of the group. I feel like things last as long as they’re meant to, and I know that’s the case here for me. I guess maybe I should consider it lasted as long as it was meant to for her too? The CLOSURE oracle card that I pulled and didn’t know what it meant, I truly feel it was pulled for this group. Or I’m full of shit.

Overwhelmed at the thought of playing softball this season. It’s so hot, and I feel drained enough to wonder if I can even do volleyball, let alone a second sport! Also playing in the heat, sticky with sunscreen and sweat, coated in red field dust, does not appeal. But Cubu, who wasn’t interested in doing two sports before, is solidly interested in doing this. I feel it’s because of the current health scare. If google is right, he only has 2-3 years before physically disabling symptoms begin showing and I can tell he’s feeling desperate to get in all the activity he can now, just in case. I want to be supportive, and sports are a thing we love doing together. (A later conversation confirmed my guess)

raw after therapy. We’re still on the intake so didn’t discuss anything current. But seeing my life biography through a clinical perspective is really profound and has brought on new grief. “Who did you feel safe with as a developing child?” Just shoot me why don’t you, OW. “So your physical needs were met by your mother, but she left you alone with your father a lot, and it sounds like neither of them took care of your emotional needs.” None of this is news to me but to have someone who knows what they’re doing look at me with a confirmation in their eyes is both validating and heart wrenching. Not that I’m unique in this upbringing, but it hurt me as much as it would hurt anyone. And when she lays it all out like that, I don’t feel so guilty for having been so fucked up for so long.

Feel good entries:

• I enjoyed walking with Cubu after work. Nearly every day we go for a 15 minute walk around a nearby parking lot after I get off from the library. It gives him a break from work and gives me a reset before I go into glasswork. I love the routine of it: of getting to see this same parking lot in all the seasons, of having different typical routes, of seeing the local squirrel drama, of connecting for a bit before we continue our days. Grateful that we accidentally made this practice and have kept it up for years now. 
• making a peanut butter berry smoothie 💋👌for breakfast in the work kitchen. I did fail at avoiding the kitchen. BUT I redirected that energy into making something that felt nourishing to eat. And I’m just so excited to like peanut butter now, every time I eat it is a victory. And at another point I redirected from the kitchen all together. “You’re not hungry, you’re sad.”
• grateful that Cubu’s parents don’t seem to be initiating us seeing them anytime soon. It’s been a nice break that I’m enjoying while it lasts