Monday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Concerned by a not-so-new feeling that I might want kids someday far in the future. As I recover from my trauma, kids have stopped being frightening/disgusting/horrifying. I now find them charming and fascinating, if not a bit scary. I’ve “always known” I didn’t want kids, and would bring it up on first dates to weed out the people that did. But I’ve had this tiny voice that said “but wouldn’t it be kinda nice if…”. This voice grows with each interaction with a kid (at least during the ones where they talk to me, ignoring the ones where they’re screaming in the distance). I kind of love when they ask me for help so I can squat to their level and see books from their point of view. Cubu does not want children, I had made sure of that on the first date. I’m trying to not worry about it since it’s so far in the future, I don’t even know what life would look like. But the thought is there, louder than before, and that deeply frightens me. And maybe excites me a little? Fuck.
Pent up again, emotionally clogged with something unknown. I just feel sticky, heavy. I feel good in a lot of known ways so it’s hard to pin down the darker feeling. It’s probably still grief over the memory I found a week and a half ago. I have therapy tomorrow, hopefully it comes out then. Inspired by What My Bones Know, I’m going to see if she’d be okay with me recording my sessions going forward. We’ll find out.
Feelin’ good…
- Listening to music between audiobooks today and again I’m struck by how deeply I feel it. How have I strayed so far from something that makes me feel this ultimate form of pleasure? How do I keep not making time to just listen? Actually, I know how: music is not productive compared to audiobooks or learning Spanish. I’ll have to work to incorporate it more.
- I was struck today by how thoroughly I love my library job and how much I appreciate having my duties in this environment. Feeling very grateful to have stumbled into it.
- I got your package! I won’t open it until you get mine but I’m so excited, you exist!! Something about it sank in and I’m so grateful to have stumbled into your request so we could be the friends we are.
- The mini roses are back at the grocery store!! Yes, the very same mini roses I killed after the last Wisconsin trip. These guys look promising and as yet un-burned so I bought another pot. Hopefully this will be a tale of success that the last one was not. Insanity? Radical optimism? We’ll find out.
- Had a good SIA meeting, which is saying something since something in me was determined that we skip it today. I even showed up late, which I never do. But the shares were good and I enjoyed sharing a part of myself, participating in the de-shaming. I’m grateful to have found such great groups to be in.
- I finished touching up the TV room ceiling and vacuuming so that’s one room completely done!!! Furniture put back into place and painting accouterments gone. Cubu and I also painted the first layer for the master bath and half of the living room. I’m so happy it’s coming along, that the house is being pieced back together and looking fresher than it did before. The peace I find in my home is slowly being restored. I’m grateful to have the means to fix my house and have a partner equally invested in working on it together.
- I think I’ve figured out some crucial part of fixing my binging? I’ve been assuming I’m not a breakfast eater because I’m not hungry until like lunch. I realized a month and a half ago that lunch is when my body starts screaming at me; it starts TALKING to me much earlier, around mid-shift at the library. So I’ve been eating a small breakfast before leaving in the morning and, coincidence or not, my binge eating since then has been at an unprecedented low. Now I’m wondering how much those two are connected because when I ask my body, it affirms my suspicions. I’m grateful to have accidentally changed some critical thing and I’m hopeful to be on the right track.
