Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Anxious about the state of my finances. I’ve stopped keeping up with my budget the past two months and have no idea where anything stands. I’ve put it in the calendar for this weekend. My mom is the same way and I worked hard to teach myself a semblance of financial literacy. I told myself I wouldn’t be like that anymore, that I’ve learned better. I feel I’m disappointing myself, as well as feeling overwhelmed just thinking about looking at money. I’m doing fine, and I knew I would dip into my savings during this CSA process, so it’s less about seeing anything in the red and more that I’m petrified thinking of even looking at anything financial.

Sad that I seem to have killed my plumeria that I’ve been dutifully caring for these past 8 months. I’ve come to love it, and greet it every time I walk into the house. But I seem to have overwatered it and apparently there’s no coming back from the rot that can form within its trunk. I feel like a failure, I never seem to keep plants alive. And frustrated that I keep growing them to a certain point then inevitably killing them somehow?? I would love to have a plant house, I just can’t seem to be a good plant mom. And now my baby is dying before it even got to bloom 🙁 And he had gotten so big and strong too, I really thought this was the one I keep alive, my success.

distanced from a person who was once a close friend. Her father died a couple years ago, and we bonded over the experience of losing a parent at nearly the same age. She’s also very growth-focused and I value her opinion. This was the friend trusted enough to come over for the shame list. A couple months ago she had a religious conversion and is now very Christian, which feels like it’s affected things. I think she’s found a community in Christ that I just can’t hold a candle to. I’ve been feeling her pull away, and I’m really happy for her spiritual awakening, I just don’t know how to bring up that I feel distance there. And maybe I’m a bit put off by it? Every convo feels like it includes Christianity now. I know this is her world so I don’t want to discourage it, but that’s also not what I’m looking for? I guess I feel loss. I could talk to her about it but maybe I’m also conflicted as to whether I truly want to. Is this me isolating or is this me acknowledging an evolution? Probably a bit of both.

Graduated, in a way? from SIA. I was looking at myself, my behaviors, the clarity I have now, and realized I don’t know how much more I’ll realize by being in SIA. It’s given me so much, I feel I embody maybe 10 of the 12 promises, and the remaining 2 really need therapy more than SIA. So I’m going to start scaling back SIA and getting into CODA. My gut says that’s the move. But I’m almost sad to have this move, like I won’t belong to my community as much? I can tell it’s my binary thinking coming through so I’ll leave off with: I can be BOTH entering another group AND remain part of SIA. Or I’m full of it.

Feelin’ good…

• Cubu and I stayed up talking and sharing feelings. We lost sleep but it felt so good to connect and be there for each other. Maybe I need to make an effort to prioritize these as much as sex is prioritized, then maybe I won’t feel like the important stuff gets brushed aside in favor of lust.
• I took another look at my shame list and felt none of the shame that I did when I wrote it! The power seemed to be entirely in naming/uncovering those shames. I’m amazed at how unaffected I am, I feel our practice has a lot to do with it.
• reframed my depression as grief and I feel so much freer. Free from expecting myself to be normal and from the shackles of my previous depression. I went through grief with Ludvig, I know what that looks/feels like, and I know that I’ll come out of it stronger than when I went in. I’m incubating.
• having tea with a dear friend. If I ever had a twin flame, it would be him I think
• snow cone date with Cubu. It was very cozy, fun, and a perfect way get out of the heat
• fingernails are doing okay? The fake nails have been off for a couple days and it’s been a struggle to stop myself from picking. It feels good to see them again.