Today I’m grateful for feeling…

triggered out of my mind by the smell of this couple that came to drop off a shit ton of books at the library. They smelled so much like my dad’s trailer growing up, I’ve never smelled another like it until now. Tobacco, alcohol, old books, and sweaty, slightly dirty human. Their appearance didn’t help. Both elderly mother and 50-something son were scabbed, the son having open sores. They looked like every neighbor I remember from my old drugged out neighborhood. They brought an entire truck bed of books, all unboxed, so I was with them and their musk for maybe 15-20 minutes carting books around. I was on my best behavior. I felt possessed – I *NEEDED* the son to not just like me, but to LOVE me. I was radiant. I showed no signs of minding the hauling of heavy, dirty, molded books in the humid, 90° sun. I even went back out when everyone was done and wished them a great day, beaming. Then went to the kitchen, couldn’t breathe. My Christian friend came in and started talking to me but I couldn’t hear, my head was so full. I couldn’t even see really, I was back in the trailer. I snapped, “I can’t talk right now.” It felt like my dad could walk around a corner any second, looking for me. I was terrified. I went to the bathroom and focused on breathing until I thought I could go back to work. That was hours ago and I can still feel it. It felt like how people describe war “flashbacks” feel, with my senses telling me I’m back in the trailer.

guilty and dirty for listening to the beginning of a sex scene in my audiobook. It wasn’t particularly scandalous, and the sex part wasn’t even in the book, it skipped to the “laying around afterwards” part. PG-13 really. Uncomfortable, I wanted to skip it, obviously there’s no plot in there, but I felt compelled to listen. And I hated myself for it, like I was the dirtiest thing around. Why couldn’t I control myself and just skip it? I know this isn’t a normal response and it’s something I look forward to tackling in therapy. In the meantime, I’m going to work on not shaming myself any further than I seem to have.

sad, grieving for every version of myself less free than I am now. And knowing I’ll have this feeling for my current self in the future. I caught myself wondering if I was always triggered this often, or if I just notice it more now that I write these things down. I think it’s the latter. I think I used to get triggered more even than I do now, had less control over my reactions, and understood very little of what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. I’m so grateful for this practice.

Feelin’ good…

• my Christian friend texted me that if I needed to talk, she’s there for it, and no pressure to reply. It was the perfect thing to say. I’ve been realizing this week that she’s a “good man in a storm” kind of friend, so I’m grateful that even if we aren’t what we were, I know she’ll be in my corner if I really needed someone. 
• sharing my work experience in a meeting, seeing the connection in everyone’s faces, I felt so witnessed and not alone. I also shared something that I’ve never put into words for myself, that I’m attracted to men that look like my Dad, or any scabby, long-haired, 50 year old guy. Which felt really shameful before I knew what had happened and learned this is normal. And it resonated with multiple people in the group who then shared their own stories on it! I feel so human rather than the monstrous I used to feel.
• proud of myself (?) for not doing a controlling behavior Past Me would have done. Cubu is working at a building between my work and home today, and I was getting off around noon. In the past, I would have manipulated him into going to lunch with me to prevent him from having lunch with his coworkers and bonding over the weird day they’re having. Today I did nothing close to that, didn’t ruminate over it while he was at lunch and, with the exception of a weak stray thought, didn’t care that he was bonding and getting to eat out without me. I was even glad he got to have the camaraderie and good food. It feels shameful to even speak it, but shows big progress for me.