Today I’m grateful for…

an unfruitful trip to the doctors office to see if I can get a prescription of Vyvanse for my binge eating. They had me fill out a questionnaire and seeing my symptoms laid out before me, I didn’t realize how much of a mess I was, that I have all the symptoms of depression now. I feel despair that I seem to be back at the depression I grew up in, that I have to go see a psychiatrist again and that it’s suggested that I be medicated. I worked so hard to help myself and heal, to get out of depression, to get off the meds, just to end up here again. For context, I was heavily medicated for depression from maybe 11 years old until I was 20 and had hoped to never return to it. Just inquiring about the Vyvanse feels like a concession, let alone an SSRI.

The unending saga of trying to get my therapist covered by my insurance. For context, I started with her because it said she WAS covered, then found out she wasn’t and paid out of pocket until that went through, which was supposed to take weeks but took 9 months. Then to find out she’s now in my insurance but not in my “plan”.  So out of pocket again, supposed to have been resolved last week and turns out *surprise!* it wasn’t. We’ve been working on this for almost a year and a half now and I just can’t afford to continue until she’s covered. She’s put in so much work to get covered, BUT she had personally assured me before we started that it would be covered. I feel like she’s a bit fast and loose with telling me I’m covered when I’m not. And now that I’m doing this sensitive work, I don’t want to start fresh with a new person. And I feel like I have to stick with her because she’s put work in to get coverage. And I really like her. I emailed a new therapist just in case, and it felt like a big betrayal. I need help, and I simply can’t afford her.

Being bothered that Cubu is growing his other relationships while it feels like ours is slipping away. I hate that I feel this but I do. Like I’ll become obsolete and the least enjoyable way to spend his time because I’m such a downer all the time, especially if he keeps making closer friendships with other people. This is probably just insecurity talking and I’m really ashamed of this side of myself. I’m terrified to my core of being abandoned, especially right now. On the other hand, I’m not sure if we’re even compatible and the avoidant part of me says to leave! So I’m in this cycle of pushing away, pulling close, and crying in between. Have I always been this way and didn’t realize it or is it getting worse?

lapsing on my poor eating AND my poor budgeting because I felt Cubu was in need. I was on track and felt like I could get through this day without disappointing myself but he seemed sad and we had just had that argument. So we went to lunch and I ate more than I should have. One of those times where you don’t really want to be eating so you don’t enjoy it much, even though it’s something you normally enjoy? So it was stressful, all that overeating that I didn’t budget for and didn’t particularly enjoy. My eating issues seem so small compared to the larger ones but when you’re stressed about it every waking moment and feel completely out of control, it really adds up. 

being hesitant to have another SIA recovery partner even though I think I should. There’s this big list of people you can contact and who want to be contacted to be recovery partners but I’m scared of initiating. Because this is a group of wounded people/people in distress, some people in it are stressful just to be around and some are unstable in an alarming way. I’m glad they’re in recovery, and this sounds bad, but I don’t want to stumble into someone who’s on the more unstable side. There are some people that really lash out, blame others for everything in their life/take no responsibility/aren’t good at listening. I don’t yet know how to distance myself if I did. Maybe I’m not as reasonable as I think I am and someone would consider me in the crazy group, I don’t know. It’s hard to know what is forcing something from the universe and what is pursuing opportunity, if that makes sense.