Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Embarrassed that so much of this entry will be intimacy related but that’s just the spot I’m at right now. I’m going to prioritize the vulnerability.
Reluctant to have sex with Cubu after Thursday. I guess this is my step backwards cost for that step forwards. I just can’t seem to see him sexually at all, and I’m a little repulsed when he tries to make an advance. I made myself perform today and I just hate it so much but feel so little choice. I understand I could just stop but it doesn’t feel like I can. The worst part is he wouldn’t want me to be having it with him in this state. I’m literally lying to him afterwards. Sometimes he asks if I enjoyed it and I say yes because sure, I got off, but as a whole it was stressful and I’m just glad it’s over. I’m always on him for full honesty, full transparency, yet I compulsively lie to him about this. I try to comfort myself by knowing I usually do hold up my end of honesty, but I know if he was doing what I was doing, I’d feel incredibly hurt and betrayed. But. If I tell him the truth, he won’t have sex with me and then I’ll be off in crazy land because of the masturbation fear. And the impulse to protect myself from that is stronger than anything I’ve figured out against it. I feel like a bad person, a bad partner, and like I’m betraying myself. That last one is the worst one since I’ve been working on building that relationship the most. I guess I’ll know I’m mostly recovered when I only have sex when I want to have sex.
Gross, icky, and just generally not good. It occurred to me that maybe I should be developing a healthy sex life with myself by masturbating. My rational brain says it seems like a natural part of self-love and acceptance but everything in me wants to vomit at the thought. I guess I hadn’t realized it goes both ways. I’m relatively certain it goes back to being forcibly shown porn as a young child where women are touching themselves in the worst of ways. But if I start this with myself, would that be retraumatizing or would it be normalizing/healing? I would need to make sure I’m more prepared with my therapist before even trying this, I have no idea what it will bring up but it’s something big based on my body reaction of just writing this. I feel unprepared, overwhelmed, lost, and trying not to feel hopeless on the whole subject.
Grief and distress. We got a call that Cubu’s elderly grandfather broke his femur and is getting an emergency hip replacement tomorrow. He’s in pain and will be okay but I’m not sure if he’ll walk again. Cubu is very shut down on it, not very good at feeling his emotions when they’re big, but they can still be sensed and freak out the hyper vigilant part of me. Even rationally knowing what’s going on, a lifetime of feeling unsafe when the outward emotion doesn’t match the energetic emotion is really hard to override. And this is my first “you think it’s a normal call but it’s actually a tragedy that changes things” since getting the call for Ludvig. So everything is all tangled, I’m feeling a lot, Cubu is too but isn’t showing it and I’m feeling all of that too, all while trying to be supportive and guess what he needs since we’ve never been in a situation like this before.
Feelin’ good…
- Just really appreciating Cubu’s willingness to watch movies that I want to watch. We switch back and forth but on my watches he’s fine with anything I choose. By now he’s seen most of the movies that were really formative for me growing up and quotes them like I do all the time. It feels so special, these are quotes I used to just think in my head or say out loud and no one knew it was a reference. I’m so grateful to have gotten to share so much history with him and for him to be actively using it with me. Like today he quoted Titanic ❤️
- Cubu and I spent the morning drinking coffee and making a Lego City Noodle Shop. We just pass the project back and forth, each completing a page of the instructions. The end product is adorable and the process is very bonding with both of us cheesing over little things like Lego ice cream cones, blue birds, and chopsticks. I’m grateful to have gotten back into Legos after gatekeeping them from myself as a child. And for this particular kit that was a gift from my mom.
- I realized how much I fucking love showers now. Not so much the shower actually but how much time it DOESN’T take. When I had hair to my knees and shaved my legs, I’d have to block off an entire half hour to get clean. With the short hair and not shaving, it’s a quick 5 minutes. That’s 7.5 hours a month showering vs 1.25 hours now. 6.25 hours saved each month to do whatever I want with my life besides groom my body.It’s incredible. I’m literally saving life time AND I love the short hair/no shave combo. I get to just be a human woman with 75 extra hours each year to exist.
