Today I’m grateful for feeling…

guilty for snapping at Cubu after he got out of the doctor’s. The family practitioner was unconcerned and gave him a prescription that she said would clear it up. Cubu came out of the office happy and feeling like the problem was resolved. I had a different take and did not manage my emotions well. I feel like, for something this potentially serious, we should really be getting a second opinion from a doctor with a more specific field to what he’s dealing with. Family doctors have to memorize thousands of conditions, and they’re just people too. Driving him back to work I told him I wasn’t ready to talk yet, I was trying to get my shit under control but he gently pushed anyway. I snapped, and although my words were measured and neutral, my tone reflected all the stress and anxiety I was feeling. My default when stressed is contemptuous anger and the tone was definitely mean. I guess I’m also a bit resentful at always being the one to burst the optimism bubble with practicalities. I drove around on back roads for an hour afterwards, organizing and feeling my emotions, hugging myself internally, and figuring out what to say once he gets back home. 

Nervous for him coming home. I have sorted out and named how I feel, and I feel fine now. But for some reason when I know potential conflict is coming, I’m immediately in attack mode, regardless of the amount of preparation I do beforehand. I’m just so aggressive, even as my brain tells me to cool it, my words are barbed and lash out to maim. I really don’t want to act like this, especially not over something so sensitive. I’m so grateful to have a partner willing to get a second opinion, to listen to me, why does some part of me feel so defensive when there’s no attack?? My guess is it’s a control thing, I’m hoping CODA will help me sort this kind of thing out. 

Conflicted still about my newly Christian friend. Maybe it’s because I’m thinking of pulling away, but I’m realizing how many of our conversations were entirely me listening and her having a witness. Part of this is my fault for not nudging in more often, or is that me blaming myself? I feel like I make sure to make space for another person talking, even when I have a lot to say. Maybe I’m full of it and not as good at this as I think I am, but I want that kind of treatment in return. Is that codependent? Am I judging her harshly or is she just not very good at that? She knows almost nothing about my life the past 6 months but I know a lot about hers, and have comforted her through it. As always, I think it’s probably both: I need to learn to take up space better and she needs to learn to make space better. I should really just talk to her. I guess I’m afraid I’m right, that I’m not enough anymore and don’t want to be confronted with that if it’s true.

Feelin’ good…

• I’m proud that I let myself take the time for the drive that helped me sort things out. I knew if I went home, I’d just distract myself and sort out nothing. And I ended up enjoying the drive. I used to drive to think all the time, so I saw things I hadn’t seen in years that felt like old friends. I’m grateful to live in such a pretty place with roads that feel like home. 
• using my extra energy to make banana bread. I had been avoiding it because I’m worried about the weight gain but decided fuck it, it’s one loaf of no-sugar, whole wheat banana bread. I’m grateful to have a kitchen to bake in. 
• Finished the last of those two windows, it’s all ready to be taken to the glass guy. I feel relieved to have it done, to be done with glass for a while and have a chance to recalibrate. I’m so grateful to have a job and funds I can do this with, it’s such a privilege. 
• I realized that I cooked the other day! And today I baked! Making food is something I cherish, a new hobby of mine that I’ve been loving the past couple years and lost while working on the CSA trauma. It feels good to be working on projects, cooking, and considering working out. More like myself for a little while before diving back into it.
• Trump was convicted!!! He’s officially a felon 34 times over!! He still stands a chance at getting elected (in which case my powerhouse of a country chose a felon to govern them, which is somehow even crazier than the first time they chose him) but I really hope this makes the difference to juuust enough voters that he doesn’t. This would have made Ludwig’s year.