Wednesday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Aware? But painfully so. I read recently that people can only meet you as far as they have met themselves, which I had heard before but it hadn’t clicked. All day I’ve been testing limits, watching reactions, gauging. It’s given me a new perspective on a lot of relationships that’s kind of blowing my mind. I feel sad because I think some people that I had considered to be super deep into themselves don’t seem to be as comfortable with it as I had previously thought. Maybe  I caught them on an off day. I’m noticing the depth limits of the people around me now in a more nuanced way than my previous binary “this person is surface level” or “this person can dive deep”. 

Angry that my sense of priority in life was taken from me at a young age, although I’m grateful to be cultivating it now rather than later. I think I’ve maybe mentioned it before but I had been living my life for other people. My. Life. MY life. Of which I ONLY HAVE ONE. It’s MY life and I didn’t feel myself worthy of taking up space in it, of spending it how I wish to. There is no do-over, no “in another life/in an ideal world”. I have one life, it belongs to me by its very nature, and I SHOULD spend it on myself. Doing this I think will naturally turn my attention outward to others because I’m filling my own needs, rather than the other way around. Other people’s time/energy/desires are not worth more than mine, and I’m not obligated to bend to theirs. I am obligated to live this one precious life to the fullest degree. It has taken me so long to see this. I’m infuriated that my parents taught me this. They should have taught me that I was precious, worth my life, equal to others. And under the anger, grief. 

Energized as all hell and not in a good way. I took my first Vyvanse today as a sort of test and fuck it is a drug. My energy is off the charts, I feel like I’ve snorted coke. I feel happier maybe than I would have, but at the cost of feeling like a buzzing hive with no outlet. Jump roping didn’t even make a dent. This must be how people with ADHD feel: flitting from one thing to another, never settling, finishing nothing. I can see days where this pill would be super useful but maybe not on a weekday where I need to focus and feel. I’ve also read it takes a couple days to feel the “focus” effect so maybe it’s too early to tell. But it’s strange having my head and my body lack the organization and calm that it usually has.

Revelatory again, with anger and grief as companions. I did a trigger inventory today on my inability to see people/animals that my mind labels as “pathetic” without violently hating it. This especially includes myself. Growing up it made me hate babies, toddlers, other children, animals. I was so angry at seeing their helplessness I felt violent. Seeing learned helplessness in adults would disgust me, my mom for example. With the inventory’s clarity, I realized it was just my hatred of feeling helpless as a child abuse victim. Typical stuff, like what they say turns abusees into abusers. This was not new info, but what follows was the revelation: I think this is where I get my drive. My insatiable drive to grow, to learn, to teach myself, to NEVER BE HELPLESS AGAIN. It’s been a mystery to me always, and people would comment on it and I had no idea where it came from. Now I know and I’m fucking sad about it.  And angry. My characteristic persistence grew out of adversity and abuse, not out of encouragement and love. I’m grateful that Child Me converted that helplessness into a compulsive “can do it” attitude. But also so very sad at what she had to endure to form that resilience.

Feelin’ good…

• I have been avoiding Cameron since his libido confession and it hasn’t felt good. I realized that he wasn’t out to hurt me or violate me, he just didn’t know. Today I scripted what to say to him and did it. I told him that I value our friendship and I’m really grateful he felt safe enough to share that with me, but because of my incest work I really can’t hear things like that. He was super understanding, if not a bit uncomfortable. It felt good to clear the air and be on the same page, and I’m so proud of myself for communicating well without apologizing. 
• Someone who volunteers at the library came today and said hi. This is the older couple I’ve visited for cookies and woodworking. With my new sensitivity to people’s reactions to vulnerability, I could tell the husband cared about me but was very uncomfortable with any kind of emotional talk. The wife was much better with it. I didn’t realize this about them before and could see these micro-interactions between them that I used to be blind to. It was really nice to see them either way, they’re like the grandparents I never had. 
• The Untamed book that set me off into a spiral of doom yesterday comes off as an exciting call to action today. I’m glad I processed those fears and made a plan yesterday because I’m  actually really psyched to move forward with finding my path, my calling, listening to my inner self. I’m proud that instead of cowing like my inner child wanted to, I made myself give it a new chance and change from a fixed mindset to a growth one. 
• Great SIA meeting today, the topic was freedom and so many insightful shares came from it.
• I played racquetball for the first time and I fucking LOVED it. It’s incredible, it’s so skilled and fast paced. Getting good at this sport will help me in every other sport. I’ve said yes to once a week on Wednesdays but am hoping for other days too.