Sunday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Sad still about realizing there’s an untapped memory. I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder in fear, checking to see if it’s going to pop up.
Sad, bereaved for an acquaintance and for myself. Cubu and I went to visit his friend whose dad passed last week. It was hard to see a mirror of my own grief right in front of me. She’s still very much in shock, and I can see it in her. It was startling to realize I must have looked just like that. I did my best to utilize Ludvig’s death for her: to hold her space and be there with her for anything she wished to share, no matter how raw. It felt good to provide a role I wish someone had been for me, but I know how much it isn’t enough. Nothing will be enough for her for a while. I would feel heartbroken for anyone in this position, but seeing someone in the same spot I used to occupy brought a lot back. Tomorrow I can take stock of how far I’ve come but today is for grieving.
Concerned and bummed that since taking the increased SSRI dose, I can’t seem to feel as deeply? I’m more stable but I can tell I’m not hitting my usual range of emotion. It feels as though I’m cruising through the middle of the emotional range but touching none of the highs or lows. It makes me feel stifled and confused, like I’m incapable of letting out something that wants out. My intuition had told me not to take these but I went out of fear anyway. My whole inner work is feeling deeply and here I am taking medication that stops deep feeling! It’s crazy that people prescribe this as a remedy. Sure you feel better but you aren’t capable of DEALING with whatever caused the bad feeling in the first place. It’s been two weeks and I don’t want to get any more numb than I am. I’m going to message my psych to start the weaning process. I’m sad that this failed but glad to know I was better without it. I’m also really excited to start feeling deeply again.
Feelin’ good…
- Cubu’s birthday party was today and it was great. He had people over and we played the full Spirit Island expansion + Magic Maze. I love this group, love my partner, love having people over and enjoying my home with them. I’m grateful to have dated into a good friend set, and to love boardgames the way I now do.
- The orb weaver I mentioned on Ludvig’s day has been growing! It’s huge now. It sits there so serenely, looking spooky but very natural where it is. I have really enjoyed checking on its progress whenever I walk to my door.
- The weekend was great. Wholesome and full of community. I wish there was more rest involved since last week was a sprint and so is this week, but I am complete. Still playing Avatar and loving it.
- Cubu and I did our weekend morning coffee and cartoons on both days and I love it. I love the ritual, the connection. No matter what our week or weekend looks like, we always meet with coffee and watch our cartoons. Right now we’re on Bluey and Hinamatsuri. I want more rituals but don’t always know how to make them.
- I found a great deal on racquetball equipment that I picked up today! I’m so excited about this sport, I can’t wait to play it again on Wednesday.
