Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Anxious about seeing Cubu’s grandfather and family today. It feels bad to say this but I just really don’t enjoy spending time with them. Aside from the latent stress of the religious deceit, I’m sick of the small talk, of hearing his grandfather yelling his stories all the time, of his brother acting out and upsetting the family, seeing Cubu’s deflation as his grandma continues to develop dementia and be less steady on her feet. They’re good people and I used to be the one pushing for us to visit them more often, I don’t know what shifted. It’s all just human stuff. Maybe I’m scared of it since I’m unused to it, or don’t feel comfortable navigating in a family that isn’t my own. As I’m writing this, I think I just haven’t allowed myself to be fully myself in that group because I feel an overwhelming pressure to be liked. Laying it all out: I have to be liked because if I’m not, they’ll know I’m not likeable, they’ll reject me, Cubu will leave me, and I’ll be alone. Jesus. These inner kids just have so much fear! I’ll meditate on self-love and enoughness on the way there and see if that makes the difference. Will update.

💡Revelatory💡I’ve always had this instinctual, immediate hatred for things I deem helpless, pathetic, needy. Babies, pets (especially baby versions of pets), adults that don’t help themselves. It’s been confounding forever and as I’ve grown, it’s stopped becoming my identity but does pop up when I don’t expect it. I’ll feel immediately vicious, like I’ll want to hurt that thing for being defenseless and expectant. Doing some SIA work today, I realized it’s just a mirror of how I felt as a needy, neglected child. Seeing that tragedy reflected on others is just too much when I’m not expecting it and I’m furious as a defense for how exposed to that emotion I feel, the rawness of it. I’m grateful to have figured it out, because I’d love to have a pet someday when I can be sure to have outgrown this. I really miss having a cat.

So much grief for my child self was so neglected and punished when she needed something. And shock at my reaction. Is this what my dad would feel when he would hurt me? When he would scream at me for crying? From reading the psychological profiles of perpetrators, this is exactly what he could be feeling. It has me stunned. I feel how strong the impulse is, and it brings me closer to him in the most morbid of ways. But I resist it and he didn’t. Did he try? Was there some invisible effort like mine that “protected” me from how bad it could have been?

Rage that he didn’t resist it, or that if he did it wasn’t enough, wasn’t even near enough. It’s hard to feel rage at someone who may have felt the same feelings I do, but the rage is that I’m doing my best and even if he was, it wasn’t fucking good enough. He should have left. He could have left! He didn’t need to fight for custody just to prove he could win something. He could have admitted he hated having children and just let us go. But no, then he’d have nothing to dominate, nothing to make him feel powerful in a world that had him feeling so belittled. Furious that he used me, used my brother, used my mom, as his vessels for these emotions. People. He used people. Family. We were victims of circumstance, especially my brother and I, and that’s the way of often goes. But I’m trying to not rationalize away the reasons for feeling the depth of this injustice.

I’m not sure what to call this emotion. Narrow-sighted? Unfeeling? That seems too harsh since I was triggered and I didn’t have much of a chance to see it any other way at the time. Anyway, you’re right, Cameron’s reveal probably was a big emotional deal for him. Now that you say that, my gut says he wasn’t used to sharing this vulnerability and that’s why he was energetically weird. He even had this look when he wanted the hug, like a “do you accept me?” and I just couldn’t cope at the time. Well now what? I’m feeling confused and like I’m at the root of this entire issue. I need to learn how to set boundaries. I need to brave up and say “Hey Cameron, I feel special to have been trusted with your vulnerability about the experience of being a man, but given the inner work I’m doing right now I’m not comfortable hearing that kind of thing. I don’t want you to feel ashamed, and I know I participated, but I didn’t mean to and would rather we avoid that one topic for the future. ” Feeling unsure if I can say something like that. Unsure if I want to move forward, even thinking he maybe didn’t do anything wrong. Am I gaslighting myself again? Was he crossing a line? I guess I just don’t make any moves for a while until I know where I stand..

Guilty for dreading time with Cubu’s family. It was fine, everyone seemed stressed and tired and I felt horrible for wanting to avoid them in a time of need. 

Feelin’ good…

• I’m grateful to have today off and to work for a municipality so I get all the holidays. I love having a random rest day that isn’t fraught with sickness.
• Despite all these rough entries, I had a wonderful day. I got to catch up with you, do some logic puzzles, play Slay the Spire with Cubu, have coffee, have a Tex-Mex dinner date. Feeling whole and grateful to be alive.