Monday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Guilty and ashamed after a conversation with Cubu last night. He was kind of off all day and at the very last minute he cried, saying he wanted to play Monster Hunter with his friends for his birthday but was so worried about my reaction that he felt he couldn’t bring it up. He thought that if he brought it up on his birthday, I couldn’t say no. I was devastated. I’ve done this. I’ve created an environment where he feels it has to be his birthday to play with friends, and even then is too scared to bring it up. Even knowing it’s a two way street, that he allows me to do this by not setting his boundaries, I am full of shame.

Resentment for being in my position. I shouldn’t have all this power, I wish he’d put up some fucking walls. I don’t want this to all be on me. I’m doing my best and I’m angry that he isn’t trying in the same way. I don’t know how to articulate this very well, but I want a partner who respects themselves enough and enforces their boundaries enough that we never could get to this position. 

Dread about having sex with Cubu today. It’s his birthday and I’ve already put it off for days. I just have no interest, I don’t want to give myself up today. Here I am wishing I had a partner that could set and enforce boundaries, yet I feel powerless to set my own. 

Panicked for an unknown reason. Reading Untamed, I realized I am the only thing in my way. I thought I could just do an out of the house activity whenever I want. I have been denying myself this because it would leave Cubu alone to masturbate. But I felt it wrap around my soul and squeeze, this yearning, this NEED to have freedom from this cage I’ve created. I texted a coworker friend about the fitness classes she takes after work, and if she’d mind me joining. This triggered something, I have no idea what, and had a panic attack in the middle of my shift. That’s the 5th one in my life so far. I secluded in a closet and breathed. Once I had stopped enough of the buzzing, I found and brought a trusted coworker to the closet and asked her to hug me for like 2 minutes. She was game, and it helped. That was hours ago and I still feel like a hairpin trigger, even after taking time to sit with it and taking a short nap. I have no idea what’s going on, I’m so confused and scared. I am at a loss as to how to deal with this.

Unsure and confused still about that panic attack but I have uncovered something: that “Am I not enough?” voice that would plague me when Cubu wanted to hang out with friends has turned inward. It feels like my inner children are asking ME “Are we not enough? Why do you always want to spend time with him instead of us?” Which is true, it’s a valid question. I’m so uncomfortable spending time in solitude, so itchy and unsettled. I’m trying to cultivate myself but don’t make opportunities to spend time WITH myself. Do I feel I’m not enough? And if so, why?

Weapy as shit and fucking frustrated. Huge cry over my frustration with my feelings. It’s like that Avatar: The Last Airbender move where someone throws an element at Aang and he would catch it at his chest then redirect it with the same momentum. I feel so much more awareness and control than I used to have, the attacks (from my past) would just come at me and clobber me. Now they come and I can catch them, name them, hold them. But I can’t figure out what the fucking shit hell I’m supposed to do! They burn me anyway, I can’t redirect them. How do I break out of this hellish loop!?! How do I put this energy into my own life instead of letting it destroy me from the inside out?? How have I read so many books, been in therapy for so long, been in groups for half a year, and still not know!

Guilty and slightly relieved. My big cry kind of turned Cubu off of wanting sex tonight, which spares me but I feel so guilty for “taking” this away from him. And selfish for derailing his birthday with more of my trauma stuff. He’s always there for me yet on his day, the one day that should just be about him, I manage to make it about trauma stuff again. Today he even set up a gamepad so I could play Avatar in the room. So not only did I contribute to his hampered mood but he also did a kindness for me on the same day. I just can’t seem to get the Good Partner thing down. 

Feelin’ good…

• After having a huge cry, I realized I probably am still okay with the SSRI. I think my real issue is being uncomfortable with emotional stability since I’m unused to it. That cruising down the midline of emotions? That can just be what life feels like without getting triggered all the time. I bawled my eyes out today so I can clearly still feel. We’ll see if I reneg this tomorrow. Feeling very lost if not slightly proud of my reflection and tentatively hopeful?
• Forced myself to swim laps today as a regulation technique and it worked. I missed swimming and look forward to the river tomorrow, my first time in weeks because of the rain. And My PDF fins came in! They’re weird, circular flippers meant for training with front crawl AND breaststroke! Hopefully they’ll work my legs a bit more during the swims.
• Talked with Mom today- I love calling her now. I procrastinate because I used to dread it and it’s taking a while to mentally update my willingness for a phone call. I still can’t believe we talk like this, that we converse. She asks about boundaries with respect now rather than her old way: a nosy “I shouldn’t be doing this but I can’t help it”. When she oversteps, I tell her what I want from her and she apologizes truthfully and does that. I brought up a hard childhood memory with her and we had a great conversation about it, it was so healing. I wonder when the shock will wear off. I’m so grateful.