Today I’m grateful for feeling…

rage at my mom for still not showing up for me. Finishing the intake questions with the new therapist, I realized how my mom still doesn’t show up for me, doesn’t defend me, and even manipulated me into not attending a wedding I should be attending! All for that friend’s sake, or so my mom can avoid being in a weird spot. The other wounds I work with are old, they’ve healed wrong but at least they aren’t fresh. My mom betrayed me just last month, and again two months before that. And I let it happen. I let myself feel responsible for her emotions, for easing her way. I thought I was taking the higher road but I now realize I was just being parentified yet again. After processing this, I realize I have all the power I need to determine if she’s in my life or not. I can’t change who she is. Fully knowing this is how she is and that she seems unwilling to change this, I’m not interested. I don’t owe her a relationship, especially not if she’s going to treat me alternately like her parent or like I don’t matter. 

Guilty at not wanting to attend tomorrow’s family game night with my mom, my brother, and my brother’s partner. I have no idea how to keep myself wrapped up during that. I told them I won’t be there even though it took two months to plan. I already texted that I won’t be there. I also might even regret creating the family game nights since this happens frequently. Also, I’m so tired of being the glue for a family that seem disinterested. I want something more meaningful with my time, so I think I’m done bleeding a stone. 

disappointed at myself for how harshly I’ve been judging my one coworker. She reminds me a lot of my mom and I let that trigger me all the time. I just cannot seem to be as pleasant to her as I am to everyone else and it shows. But yesterday she sought me out just to tell me she thinks I’m brave and doing the right thing for standing by Cubu during this health scare. She even hugged me. I still have no idea how to set boundaries with her, or how to react when she oversteps them (almost every day). But I will definitely make a better effort to treat her with respect. It must have taken a lot to give me that gift. I should have been the bigger person and given her grace so that it didn’t feel so strange when she gave it to me. What a lesson. 

At a loss as to how to proceed with the Hero’s Meetings. I don’t want them anymore, but I don’t want to ghost it, and I don’t know how to express that. After another meeting of the potentially suicidal member sharing, I just feel so useless and helpless. She doesn’t want to be helped. The books say to be upfront and ask depressed people if they’ve considered suicide. I avoided that last time because I was afraid of the answer. This time I asked and she said no, and I believe her given her reasons. So I don’t need to worry about that, but I don’t have the energy to be one of two supports for her. How to express this.

exhausted and despairing after a night of crying followed by little sleep. I kind of lost it at how out of control and helpless I feel about my eating. All the little fears that, on their own, aren’t a big deal came rushing at me and created this huge sadness and anxiety that just crushed me for a while. It has taken its toll on this day as I zombie through it. I’m grateful to have C holding me gently and patiently murmuring into my hair as I snot all over the both of us. Still don’t know what to do about the eating though. I’ve become weak from inactivity along with my new chubbiness. I guess I’ll start tackling being more active first.

unaccomplished regarding my last post on “not” controlling Cubu. I shared that entry with him in celebration and found out he had his own little point of victory when he “stood his ground” regarding eating with coworkers. I wasn’t pushing, but he was ready to push back if I did. And that completely deflated me. I was like a teenager in how vengeful and angry I was after hearing that. I told him I’m processing it, pouted for half an hour, then went to sleep without talking. So I don’t think I’ve made much of a stride in that arena at all. Apparently it only counted as a victory if I was the one controlling the situation. Damn.

Feelin’ good…

• went to the river with a surrogate mother figure yesterday and loved spending that quality time together. Cypress trees cradling the sky, floating below the birds as they go about their business, watching turtles that move so slowly they have moss growing on them. It was peace.
• I’ve always had this ever-present buzzy feeling in my body, like I’ve bees just below the skin. I realized today that it was back, which was strange because I hadn’t noticed it had left! I think this practice must calm me more than I know because the one day I didn’t do it, the bees came back.
• went to see Mad Max: Furiosa in theaters. I loved the movie and it felt so good to watch something at the cinema again, that used to be a favorite pastime. Got home and went straight into Mad Max: Fury Road. In hindsight, I should have just gone to bed but it was a fun, spontaneous double feature.
• swimming today I felt powerful and in my element. I’m glad that I went and could hold my own.