Today I’m grateful for…

My mom’s complete whiff on my bid for affection. We send each other book recommendations sometimes so I sent her the title of the one on listening and being heard with a short comment on how I thought this was a great book about connecting with others, and that it would make me happy if she read it too since we have issues with that. She took it poorly, and responded with passive aggressive nonsense that I don’t know if she even believes if she took a second to slow down. I feel so ashamed for trying to reach out to her again, for trying to feel loved, for thinking I had been heard in that last phone call. I typed a bunch of messages back and sent none. I think I’m just going to resume the break I had from talking to her at all. I don’t have the energy to spend on this relationship right now if I’m the only one trying. 

I’m caught in a new grief wave as I realize the borders and feeling of my depression. Not only does it resonate with how I felt when I was in deep grief over him, but I also keep thinking that this must be how Ludvig felt but way worse. My heart screams and punches at the universe, furious that I couldn’t help him, didn’t make a move, didn’t see the signs. I just wish I could hold him and let him know I understand, that I love him, that he showed me what it means to have a father, and that I forgive him. He died feeling none of this, even if he knew it in his mind. 

recently snapping at Cubu a lot when all he’s trying to do is get my attention and connect. He’s so gracious, has no problem with me completely neglecting our relationship to play the farming game because he believes I need it. But when he asks for one second of my time, I get SO crabby. Followed closely by feeling like a complete and total bitch and try not to hate myself. He can see this struggle and forgives that as well, which makes me want to throw something. How am I always the one fucking up?

figuring out (I think) why I keep waking up feeling absolutely desolate and wretched! It’s been months of this and it hasn’t made any sense until this morning, when I caught the tail end of a nightmare. Nightmares have always been my dreams, and I typically don’t remember them when I wake up. My guess is that my nightmares have CSA memories in them now, that they’re terrible but on steroids, causing me to not only block them out but be left with that feeling when I wake up. This sounds like a bad thing but you can’t fix a problem if you don’t know what it is, and now I think I know what it is! If not, hopefully the placebo of it is enough to carry me through lol.

this growing feeling that I’m looking forward to the previously bemoaned SSRI. I cling to the promise it gives like a lifeline and can’t wait to see someone and get on some fucking meds. Surviving this with the least amount of pain is worth me getting off my high horse and making peace with my medicated past. Probably a thing I should have done before anyway. So feeling good about that. 

Bursting into tears during sex the other day, and barely, BARELY, keeping it in until the show was over. We don’t connect with much anymore and here’s this supposedly easy, fun way to do that and yet. I’m just sad that I seem to get in the way of that too. I just want something between us to feel easy. I guess playing games is, if I can get myself to stop playing mine. I just keep reminding myself that this is a “for worse” period of the relationship. 

My “shame list”. During today’s meeting I realized I hold a huge amount of shame that my rational brain doesn’t believe in and is really compassionate towards, but that some inner kid obviously still feels. I’ve read up and it says sharing what you’re ashamed of and being loved despite that is the “antidote”, or can unlock a new level of working with it. So I made a shame list. A good friend, knowing exactly what she’s walking into, has agreed to come over and hear me speak it out loud, even if I’m sobbing viciously during it. She seems confident that she’ll love me after. I’m scared. So I hope this works.