Today I’m grateful for feeling…

annoyed? frustrated? at Cubu for how weak he feels when he’s sick.  We brought in the groceries today and I’m rushing to get the colds into the fridge. He hits me with “I’m just too hungry, I need to eat something.” takes a banana, sits on the ground, and just eats it while I work to put the groceries away. Just sits there?? I haven’t eaten yet either, jesus, just suck it up for 5 more minutes and HELP me! I know this pisses me off because I’m jealous. I haven’t figured out how to put my bodily needs over external ones yet and envy his ability to just dip out and take care of himself. But what about the food? Surely you can’t ALWAYS choose your needs, right? Can you? Am I just being to overly controlling? I mean the food would survive me eating a banana… I have no idea. Confused now. 

disappointed in myself for making poor grocery store decisions. I went in on an empty stomach 1.5 hours after I usually eat lunch,  a clear recipe for buying things you don’t mean to. I knew this. And I went in anyway, just wanting to get to the next part of my day and thinking I could brute my way through it. I now have 5 flavors of rice cakes in my pantry, along with other completely ridiculous things. 

concerned that my pacing with SIA has slowed down. I haven’t added any more CODA meetings, and I seem to have scaled back attending SIA meetings without noticing the pattern until now. I think I just want to be done so badly. I’ve learned so much already, I want to just coast with what I have now. It would be a life better than any I’ve lived before. But I know I can’t, I have to keep pushing. There’s so much more to grow out of, and every time I get triggered I remember why I need to stay the course. I’m just so tired. I’m scared this is me giving up, not just me taking a break. Actually, if I think about it, I *know* this is just me taking a break, so maybe I (not so) secretly wish I was giving up lol.

Feelin’ good…

• accomplished in my talk with my mom. Once I had cooled off from yesterday’s feelings, I realized it doesn’t have to be so binary. She’s willing to grow when directed, and I’m capable enough to set my boundaries. And I thought of Ludvig – if I don’t try to have a relationship with her when she’s trying to have one with me, I will absolutely regret it when she dies. So I called her, told her for us to move forward we need to address her friend and how she keeps knowingly hurting me. She was receptive but not quite getting it, so I suggested we share one of her therapy sessions so her therapist can mediate. We’ve done this before and it’s something she’s comfortable with. Then I told her I’m going to the wedding and that I’m not responsible for neither her friend’s (the groom’s mom) feelings nor her feelings. I did so. fucking. well. despite wanting to scream for a lot of it and being at a loss for words multiple times. I kept my cool, didn’t raise my voice, used “I” statements, set my boundaries and enforced them even as she did everything she could to skirt. I even suggested a safe third space that would be more productive. We ended in hopeful good will. and I’m so grateful she’s willing to grow, and that so many books on communication are available at my library.
• validated that I’m not making up how bad my mom is at listening, or at making me responsible for her. Cubu heard the whole thing and (a usually non-violent person) said he wanted to punch something while listening to her. It was so refreshing, like taking a clean breath, to have someone see what I saw., to be upset with me. He hugged me, kissed me, and expressed his sadness that I grew up being treated like that. I’m grateful to have this partner that is so willing to get on my level and mourn with me. 
• The library worker who normally does the picture books has been out and the books have been overflowing the shelving area the whole time. I should have been doing them but have been feeling really low motivation the past couple weeks. Today I decided to take a crack at them and found them to be a breeze! I’m grateful to be feeling like a good worker again, and to have my manager look at me like I saved the day again like she used to.
• played a new boardgame today and I’m just so grateful I seem to be okay playing them now. I used to dread playing them, especially the learning part. It felt like the rules all swam around my head, attached to nothing, and I would immediately not want to play. Through persistence on my end and a great deal of patience on Cubu’s, I now SUGGEST games and don’t mind watching the tutorial. Incorporating more play has been a goal of mine and it finally feels like playing boardgames is fun without stress.
• got some lovely petite roses at the grocery store. I hope I can keep them alive, this is me trying to grow my green thumb. Also, my plumeria seems to be recovering so maybe I have a chance at having a plant house after all.