Today I’m grateful that…

I just cannot seem to get myself to work on my window. I’m not falling behind really, because I told my contractor it would take a long time, but I hate having the pressure on me and find myself avoiding it. And it feels bad, because it’s a thing I love doing. I wonder if I should just send them back to him and say I can’t do them for a while. I’ve never done that and I don’t know what it will do to our working relationship but I just feel so overwhelmed. It’s hard enough showing up to my easy breezy library job every day. 

I have successfully shredded every last fingernail. I used to bite them extensively, every finger would be a bloody mass with barely a stub of fingernail bed. 3 years ago I figured out how to stop, started again after Ludvig, stopped again once I had healed some. Since starting the SIA stuff, I have restarted in a big way and now I can’t wash my hands without my fingertips aching. I feel embarrassed and exposed that everyone can see this lack of self-control and anxiety. And I’m sad that I seem to be losing the battle with them. But I’m also understanding with myself, that the nails go away when I’m struggling and I’ll be able to regrow them when I’m on the up and up. If we keep this practice, someday I’ll tell you I have all my nails again and we can celebrate 🙂

My next-door neighbors are moving and I’m lightly anxious about who will replace them. There are a lot of dog owners down here who haven’t taken the time to train their dogs so they just bark like mad at all hours of the day. For context, I’m very much not a dog person. I think I was attacked really young by my neighbor’s dog and have never really recovered from that. We’ve been really lucky to not have any as immediate neighbors, but we’re about to get new one and it’s an oddly large concern of mine. Honestly, having written this down, I should take the time to dig into that feeling.  I guess it just never seemed like a priority?

I think I’ll end each of these with a little list of uplifting things I’m grateful for, just so both of us are reminded of the other side of things. 

I’m grateful for…

• the feelings of community, release, and acceptance I felt during my meeting, as well as from my recovery partner in our one-on-one
• my shame list friend came up to me at work and hugged me, reassuring me that she’s there for me
• For context, Cubu and I carpool to work in the morning. Today he got kolaches for everyone at his work and not only did I not eat one, but I also didn’t plow through the kitchen at work because I had smelled them earlier in the day (that’s a thing)
• I feel good after this weekend’s rest, like stable and almost energized enough to work out if I had the time. I drank coffee this morning because I wanted to, not because I felt it was the only thing keeping me standing. The past couple weeks it’s very much become the latter so I was really enjoying it being optional this morning.