Friday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Wholesome and useful, like I’ve given back to people that have supported me. Two friends today, at two different times, I got a feeling that they were struggling. I carved out time for each of them just to hold space for them to freely unburden. Lord knows they’ve done that for me. It felt good to return their kindness and to be that safe harbor for them. I’m just amazed at the depth of relationships I can have now compared to 3 years ago even. If I wasn’t living it, I wouldn’t believe it.
Cozy after helping William with another building project today. The weather was great and I love his company. He knows the value of silence and we alternate between comfortable conversation and comfortable gaps. I also got to feel handy and useful since we created something during this time!
Successful and praised after hosting my first ever SIA business meeting. The SIA group I started in (my “homegroup”) is fantastic but super unorganized. Me and another member have been working to add some order and called a business meeting. It was clumsy but very inclusive and *crazy* efficient. When it ended, everyone gave me a big thanks and lauded me for hosting such a beneficial and efficient meeting. I struggled taking in the compliment, since I also think it was largely a group effort and I’m new to receiving positive feedback. It felt great to help my community, to be recognized for my work, and to be told I’m doing it well so I can have more confidence in future meetings.
Revelatory, repulsed, and at a loss as to the next step. I check the parent’s guide on nudity for every movie/show I watch if anyone else is watching it with me. I’ve thought it’s because I hate the sensation that they are getting turned on and I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin imagining erect penises around me. Watching Killing Eve with Cubu though, and having done the work I have, when I turn inward during those skin crawling moments, I realize something else: *I’m* turned on. I’m turned on and am disgusted with myself for it, hating myself really. It’s such a strong reaction, I didn’t realize the abhorrence I feel for other people extended so completely to myself as well. I felt successful to notice the pattern but also very sad that I am this way, that I was hurt badly enough to physically abhor something so natural and harmless. Proud of myself for knowing logically that it’s natural and harmless, that’s new. Confused because when I go back in my catalog of movies that have made me feel this way, I’m usually attracted to the woman, not the man.
Grief after receiving a package from Bela. It was a good package, filled with a daily meditation reader that she wanted to share with me and a pack of my favorite candies. But the way my heart stopped when it came in, a package addressed to my once beloved nickname they gave me. I realized my recent packages from her have been death-related ones. Shipped pieces of Ludvig that I’ve inherited that come with smells and memories and hours of tears. Even though this package was positive, caring, and forward looking, it ended up bringing on a wave of grief to live through. I wonder when/if that will ever fully go away.
