Wednesday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Again, devastated as my mystery memory from last week has been slowly piecing itself together. It was my dad’s friends too. I don’t know how many, I don’t know if it was trafficking or I was just left alone with the wrong kind of men. I do have the feeling that two of my three distinct body triggers were not from my dad but were still from an older man. And I can’t stop seeing the back room of his friend’s trailer in my mind. It’s popped into my head a couple times over the years and I always quickly averted my mental gaze. It’s so hard to focus my mind on this, the more I look at it, the more it shifts away. But emotionally and physically, I feel I’ve been run over by a truck. I don’t want to believe.
Sad and scared to process the trauma of moving from TX to WI. I’ve been putting it off because it’s never been the most obvious thing to work on. But after doing a trigger inventory on it, I realized it’s more influential than I give it credit for. I battle against being triggered by it every day, yet it took an inventory for me to realize it because I’ve been so used to that struggle! This journey is so long and has so many unenjoyable moments. It’s an investment, it’s an investment, it’s an investment.
Feelin’ good…
- I heard a great episode of my Codependent Perfectionist podcast that so perfectly explained my dynamic with my mom in early childhood. I’ve never heard of any parenting material mentioning the type of kid I was except for this. It was so healing to hear, I sent it to mom and she listened! She loved it, said she couldn’t wait to talk to me about it. I’m grateful to have her in my corner now.
- I was a machine at work today, plowing through my coworker’s backlog. There’s still more but it felt great to have a bulk of time at her station.
- Watched the Olympics! Cubu and I went to a sports bar to spend a coupon and they happened to be on. It was fabulous, I love seeing what these bodies and people can do.
- Got to play racquetball, today we played doubles. It was a blast, I still love this game. And the gear I bought from Marketplace over the weekend really pulled through. I’m grateful for online person to person sales, and to have reached out to learn this sport.
- At the sports bar, I got my usual meal and was barely able to eat 1/4 of it! I used to plow through that entire ungodly amount! But I just boxed it and went home! I used to eat just because it’s in front of me but this time it sat there for like 30 minutes, untouched. I’m blown away.
- The mushrooms Cubu and I have slowly been growing since Friday have pinned! They’re growing so fast, they can double in size each day! It’s fascinating watching them be bigger every time I go into the kitchen.