Sunday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Tired and weak. I think it’s a combination of staying up way too late on Friday and the big grief of yesterday. Even walking feels like an effort, I feel so drained. I resent it because Sunday is usually my “get shit done and recalibrate” day. I feel off balance and overwhelmed looking at the coming week.

Grief, a lot of grief. Grief for my child selves has combined with grief over Ludvig. His grief has been slowly and subtly building for a couple weeks now as his death anniversary comes up. His wife must be feeling it too because she texted me, asking if I was coming up in July. 

Confused and sad. What do I do with that message? I don’t want to be treated so dismissively but I also don’t want to lose my last tie to Ludvig, and the family that was once my home. Man, I didn’t realize I felt those in that way. If I think about it, I’ve already lost them as a family a while ago. So maybe she elicits her own amount of grief for the family I once had and lost with Ludvig.  Maybe it’s time for some acceptance. 

Crazed, mean, and nasty. Cubu plays games with his coworkers most lunch breaks and I am really not a fan. I’ve grown enough that I don’t say anything about it, I don’t try to set any limits or get in his business. I just pretend it isn’t happening because when it comes up, I get immediately grumpy and shitty. But it came up today and, predictably, I got grumpy and shitty. I do my best to just shut down, to not say anything so I don’t say something hurtful, but then I end up seeming like I’m giving him the silent treatment rather than doing my best to avoid injury. I don’t know how to get out of it. If I allude to why I’m silent, he’ll feel like he wants to know the nasty things I’m not saying. Maybe I just say I’m struggling, I’m not in control of my words right now, and I’m not trying to ice him out? I don’t fucking know. 

Sad about a happy thing. I have this reward system for the house where every 100 things Cubu and/or I do to improve the house, we get to go out for a nice dinner. Yesterday we finally hit another 100 so today we went out to my favorite restaurant. Already I’m not feeling super good about it because while we did do 100 things, they weren’t the things I’ve been trying to get us to do for years. The perfectionist in me is feeling like we don’t deserve to go out, even if we did meet the reward requirement. So we get there, me feeling conflicted about it, to discover they’ve changed their menu style and taken off the dishes that made it my favorite restaurant! I had been putting off going here for like five months and sometime in there they changed 🙁 I was so happy to have discovered them so this dinner was extra sad because it’s likely our last time at a formerly beloved spot. We’ve celebrated there a lot but the food just isn’t very good anymore and it’s too far out of the way to go casually. I know this is the way it goes and you have to enjoy things while they last. I think I’m just extra sensitive to losses today.

Feelin’ good…

• • Cubu and I played as a new character in Slay the Spire who is pretty fun to maneuver. I like the logic of it, the careful choosing and planning to make sure you do the best you can against each adversary. I’m getting better at it the more games I play and I’m grateful for the new confidence. 

• • Finally did my monthly update to the 2024 goal sheet, becoming my own LIP project, and Monthly Review. And it’s all going well! I’m slowly progressing in all of those and it feels good to see the movement forward.