Today I’m grateful for feeling…

appalled at how manipulative my mom is, it’s like I can see it clearly for the first time. I could see her go into panic mode when I said I would attend the wedding. She spent the next 5 minutes trying to work me like I wasn’t a person. She tried to convince me that my attendance would be too much for her friend, that I just want to go because I feel left out of an event my family is attending, that I wasn’t wanted at this wedding, that I couldn’t go because her friend “has conversations she needs to have with me”. All that having failed, I was hit with a quivery-voiced “I’m scared. I’m just scared.” She let that hang there, desperation sitting on the line. This is where I’ve been trained to step in to fix, to soothe. I didn’t, for which I am very proud. It was startling to see the depth of the manipulation that I lived under, knowing that this is the least manipulative she’s ever been and that it was way worse growing up. It feels good to have that validation, to tell my inner children that anyone would be driven crazy by that behavior. And to know I am strong enough to not live how I used to.

upset and frustrated at the dynamic that my mom mentioned with her friend “needed a conversation with me.” And at my mom for how she explained it: “she was just getting over your poor behavior but since the student loan incident (another long story) she’s slid back to thinking you’re no good and now needs to have a conversation with you.” What the fuck?? There’s so many lines crossed in this! Firstly, “just getting over my poor behavior”? As if my childhood behavior was at all personal to this adult, as if her 50-something year old friend didn’t have a choice but to go into a raging fit upon sight of me. The student loan incident? COMPLETELY between my mother and I. It’s crazy to propose that an unrelated third party “has conversations she needs to have” with me about it. And that this should be a reason I don’t attend a wedding I was invited to? Jesus. My mom has grown so much but every now and then I hit a spot like this that triggers her worst self and I’m left speechless. Not without compassion, but speechless.

gross, stinky, and uncomfortable. My digestive system has always been pretty shoddy but recently has taken a turn for the worse. I’m sure it’s a product of the binging, but I have the worst farts. I’m alternating between laughing aloud and being incredibly embarrassed as I write this. It’s seriously such a plague. I’m so fucking bloated and uncomfortable all day, then literally spend the entire evening unleashing hot, gassy hell on my precious house. I don’t know how Cubu doesn’t burn this place down with me in it. I cannot wait to recover from this binging so I can enjoy an evening free of constant sphincter-clenching and/or exuding heated sulfur bombs.

pretty fucking concerned about global warming again. We’ve had two weeks with an excessive heat warming so far and that was just in May. We’re an entire month ahead of the heat average for this area. Every day slogs by in the mid-90s (“feels like” 110s) as everyone holds their breath for the first 100° day. I left a banana on my shaded car seat for half an hour today – when I came back it had literally baked and was too hot to touch. I feel helpless, concerned for hotter areas of the globe than where I live, and oppressed when I think about spending time outside.

Feelin’ good…

• I WENT RUNNING!!!!!!!!!! First time working out in a month and a half!!!! I ran 4.5 miles and LOVED it. I feel incredible and so very in touch with my nature. The machines face the pool at my fitness center and watching people swim laps caused an intense desire to swim again too! I feel rested and ready to jump into CODA now that I have had this brief break to reconnect with myself. I’m grateful for my able body and ability to exercise.
• I’ve been considering adding a new health practice to my mornings but dragging my feet on it. Today I made moves by scheduling a training with my coworker so she can cover me on the mornings she’s there. Feeling hopeful that it will happen. I’ll disclose what it is once I’ve done it. I’m grateful to have such a flexible job that lets me consider adding random routines.
• had a good meeting with my regular Friday group. This is my fourth time stepping in to moderate and I’m kind of loving it? It feels like I’m helping people AND connecting with them, deepening the richness of an activity I already found nourishment in. I’m grateful the current moderator seems to be looking to be replaced so I could get the chance to discover this new passion.
• one of my fellow Heroes and I had a coffee date, partially just to talk and partially to discuss our concerns for the potentially suicidal member. We both concluded that what we’re doing was the most we can do, and I find solace in that. I’m grateful to have found peace with the situation and to support/be supported by someone in the same boat.
• Cubu has been making me these mini-books for about a month now – they’re so fucking cute and creative, I love each one more than the last. I’m grateful to have a partner that brings so much joy with him wherever he goes.
  
  
• I went on the CODA website, found 3 to try, and put them in the calendar. After my trip next week, I will have either a CODA or SIA meeting every day, and therapy once a week. It might be a rough transition to get into the swing of it but it seems sustainable as long as I don’t do glass. I’m grateful to have the time to spend on growing myself, a drive to improve, and an encouraging/supportive partner that doesn’t mind my lowered income for a while.