Today I’m grateful that…

a book came in that mom recommended; I started it today and within the first chapter: suicide. I felt it coming too. I kept listening to this character’s brother with dread sitting in my soul but thinking “no way, mom would have warned me”. But she didn’t! She fucking didn’t. Is she so removed from this critical part of my life that she doesn’t even think to warn me? I can’t hear “arthritis” without thinking of her, how can she read about the aftermath of a suicide and not think about me? And to nor warn me, to let me blindly walk into this parallel of my own pain. I bet she read it and it was just a plot point in a book. So aside from the despair of getting to that part and feeling my own grief resurface, I also feel so unseen, uncared for, unprotected by someone that in an ideal world I would go to for comfort in this situation. Not only that, but she put me here! Another scathing message typed but not sent as I sat in a bathroom stall at work trying to calm the crying. 

the feeling that my Hero’s Group is slowly dissolving. It had its time, and I’ve seen it coming for a while. Honestly, I kind of wished for it at some points because I feel like I found a group more specific to my needs with SIA. But I love my members so I kept going. But I think we’re in the final days. I’m sad for its ending but so grateful for the community we created, the lessons it taught me, and the hope/strength in myself that it fostered. 

I can see how this book appeals to my mom on a book-lover level, but there’s so much emotional depth in it and I can’t tell how much she picked up on. There’s several relationships in the book that call my heart to ours and I wonder if she felt that too? Is she communicating with me? Did she even notice? Am I alone in feeling connected? It sounds silly. I should stop reading/sharing books with her, it never seems to go well.

I got a lot of glass done but that meant I got no SIA work done. And I understand that’s ridiculous. I can only do one at a time and it’s probably good to go back and forth so it all gets time. But this push, this drive to do everything all the time, to accomplish the impossible, is very present. I don’t even know where I got it from.

My new-to-me car doesn’t have a working fan if the heat goes above like 90°. Which is when you need it. I’m frustrated because I sold my old car BECAUSE it needed the A.C. system fixed and it wasn’t worth the investment. Just to end up with another car with the same issue?! I could have just kept the old one ffs. I think it’s just overwhelm that has me freaking out about it, and financial insecurity since I’m scaling back windows. I snapped at Cubu about it and he was really gracious and I just wanted to slap myself for a second for losing it over something so little.

Upbeat gratitudes include:

• got press on nails that keep me from continuing to pick at my fingers. They look like mermaid scales and bring me delight throughout the day.
• I found a new wholesome practice to integrate: supplication. It’s normally reserved for religion but I can tailor it to my spirituality-lite version and it will serve nearly the same depth. Now to learn how to supplicate lol.
• got to swim in the river in town. It’s the reason I moved here but after the summer Ludvig died I’ve been neglecting it. It felt wonderful to slip beneath the water again.