Thursday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Depressed, but not in the hugest way. I can’t tell if the SSRIs are helping, if I would be feeling worse or more unstable without them. But I’ve definitely gone back into a low point. Luckily, I’ve done this several times now and am not feeling the panic that usually comes with it. I know I’ll come out of it, I know I won’t get lost like I did as a kid, I know this is just part of the healing process. These thoughts make me feel reassured, even if they don’t change the sadness. And the depression is actually grief I think, at this memory my body has been gearing up for me to face. And I don’t feel I’m close to done with it. What a brutal process. 

Oddly sad that I cracked the bottom of my phone screen today? It dropped onto a carpet, it doesn’t make any sense. I got this phone in preparation for moving to TX 4 years ago and didn’t realize I had such an emotional attachment to it. I don’t want to replace it. It’s this little piece of WI, little piece of Ludvig and my life with him in it. I don’t want to replace it with something from here. It feels silly and I’m trying to be compassionate with myself. We don’t get to choose what grief attaches itself to. 

Grief still at this new memory. Other men. I wish so badly that my inner voice just said “another MAN” rather than “men”. It’s breaking my heart. Men? God no wonder I thought all men only want sex. Not only my father but some amount of the other adult men I was exposed to were capable of this? In the literature it says you just need one abuser to make that connection. I wonder if it gets stronger with multiple abusers. I’m grieving a little extra because I only have part of the memory. I have this feeling that I’ll be getting more later and I dread it. And I have this mean voice in my head that tells me I’m making it up because I keep finding news abuses, even though I rationally KNOW that’s just the way it works. I keep defending myself against this voice, coming up with reasons to believe myself. It’s a mess. I wonder if my dad or one of his friends ever told me I was making it up, that’s how strong and foreign this voice feels.

Minorly sad and concerned but I know it isn’t my business to me so: the orb weaver is gone! I don’t know where it’s gone or if it is still alive. It left its home behind and I saw a moth sitting on it today. I hope it’s gone to something better, and that somebody new will move in to be a neighbor. 

Feelin’ good…

• I have a coworker that’s always doing fun things with her hair and I’m always complimenting her on them. Today she told me that some days as she’s doing her hairdo she thinks “Oh yeah, she’s going to love this one today” lmao. It delighted me to think we’ve got this tiny bond and just by telling her I like a thing, she gets a little confidence boost on these mornings. 
• Had another rough morning at work and sequestered myself in the closet. It wasn’t a panic attack but my heart rate was around 100. I did breathing and color counting until I felt better, without rushing. It only took like 5 minutes but brought my heart rate back down to 70. I felt powerful and capable, which has been a more rare feeling recently. 
• I have been feeling like I’ve slipped back into depression the past couple days. I was wondering how I didn’t see this coming so today I made a list of what that looks like for me. As I’m writing it, I realize I’ve been sliding towards this for weeks with all of my classic symptoms. I’m grateful for my higher power pointing me to do this enlightening list. My depressive habits are so distinct and absent from when I’m not depressed, it shouldn’t be able to sneak up on me again. I feel prepared and capable.
• Had an excellent Po4 meeting today, which again just had three of us present. And a member had to leave 2/3 of the way through so it became two of us. I related hard to her struggles and we had a really heartfelt chat. Through our sharing, I was made a revelation that clarified this “crush” I’ve had and stripped me of the shame! I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the shame honestly, and so so confused. It doesn’t feel like a crush, it doesn’t feel like I want to date this person. Today I realized I have been (and this is likely true since forever) conflating the feeling of “having a crush” with “compulsively responding to someone’s sexual attraction”. I’ve always been plagued with this immediate response wherein if I feel someone wants me, I lose myself, lose what I was doing,  and start tailoring my body language to their desire. It’s horrible, I’ve always felt so ashamed of it. Talking with my Po4 member, I realized this is some sort of reaction! It isn’t me, and it isn’t my desire. I’m proud of myself to have made this distinction and so grateful to be in this Po4 group with such inspiring people. I’m going to start living by the maxim “If it doesn’t feel like Me, it’s a reaction to be curious about.” I’m feeling freed from guilt, shame, and really curious about what could cause this.
• A Po4 member said I inspired her with my quote and that she’s been saying it to herself for days. I didn’t even realize I had said something quoteworthy! My comment on her post was “I’d rather be uncomfortable and healing than uncomfortable and acting out my pain.” Later she said it again with something else I said! For the first time it’s occurring to me that maybe other group members find me as inspiring as I find them. It feels hard to believe I could make someone feel the way they make me feel. I guess I should work on that too.
• Got work on my blog done, I had fallen behind the past couple days so it feels good to get it almost up to date. I’m going to have to get better at this. 
• Had a birthday dinner for one of Cubu and I’s board game friends in the city, I always forget how much I like it there. And I love this acquaintance, if we lived in the same place I think we’d be buddies. I have recruited him to my other gratitude group so that feels good, I feel privileged to see what’s going on in his day.