Monday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Conflicted (and psyched) about softball because it was canceled for the season? We were meant to play our first two games today and got the email around noon. I feel incredible, I’m so relieved. You already know but I’ll reiterate that I REALLY did not want to play, was codependently pushing myself to participate and didn’t know how to stop. The universe seems to have delivered and I’m so very grateful. Granted, I would have felt that if it didn’t cancel either since there’s always a lesson. I feel badly for Cubu though, I know he was really looking forward to it. I can feel myself deferring to how he feels above my own feelings and need to watch that. My feelings matter just as much, and it’s okay to hold just as much space for them as I do for his. There will likely be a fall season that won’t be lethally hot and I look forward to playing then.
Guilty for not donating more to SIA. They suggest a dollar a meeting but that ends up being $20 a month. I’ve been dragging my feet on it for months and now they’re in a financial tight spot and asking for help to keep the Zoom rooms open. Okay as I’m writing this, I realize I can afford $20 a month to keep this essential group running, never mind. Keeping this here because the guilt has been a big feeling for me every other day for months.
Sad after doing another trigger inventory. My recovery partner and I are slowly progressing through the end stages of Step One and got to the part of trigger inventories. You take something that triggers you and answer a bunch of insightful questions that make you want to die a little bit. It’s brutal, it’s some of my least favorite emotional work. It typically leads to revelation though, some self-compassion, and always brings awareness. This thing that used to be in shadow makes sense and is laid out, is not your fault, and is something you can be kind towards now. The process leaves me drained and grief stricken though. I think grief might be a big emotion word as I continue. The Complex PTSD book says grief and anger are the way through so we’ll see if I can keep those emotions accessible.
Sad and light grief for a character that died in a videogame Cubu and I have been playing. It’s called Spiritfarer and is a super aesthetic game based on Charon, the guy who ferries spirits to the afterlife. Naturally, death happens a lot and you get attached to the characters as they spend time on your boat. It seems silly to miss a character enough to write an entry but I get really attached. This one was particularly hard to lose, probably because it was a father figure to our character, kind, goofy, and a woodworker. I’m assuming he reminded me of Ludvig so it was a rough one.
Feelin’ good…
- I did another morning river swim! I really didn’t want to today, I felt tired and sad, it was overcast and a cooler day. I had to pump myself up to get into the water, usually I just slip in. But I did it!! The river delivered, as it always does. I spent some time with this weird looking heron, I got to be at eye level with a mother duck and her babies swimming about 10ft away, I picked up 4 pieces of litter, and I swam further than I had AND in less time! My favorite part remains stopping at my turning point, flipping up my swim cap, and just taking it in. I feel I’m finding a home in this place, like I belong there with the fish and turtles and birds.
- Had a great SIA meeting today. It followed that Trigger entry that I did so I was pretty dissociated. Every time I read part of the script I wondered if I was even speaking, if anyone could hear me, if I was actually reading or making it up. But everyone was really vulnerable and brave and (as the second to last share) lent that courage to me. I had a light revelation about always being attracted to playful people in friends and relationships (Cubu being my latest) while also strongly resenting them for being able to naturally access that carefree part of themselves. Which just translates into grief and anger at not being able to be a carefree child. I’m so grateful for SIA and the members of my fellowships.
- I began crocheting a shuhama (this is phonetic, I don’t know how it’s spelled, but it’s today’s picture) for my stuffed bear Snuffles (pictured in yesterday’s post). It’s essentially a long scarf connected at the ends that you sling around your shoulder to hold babies in. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually wear it but it makes my inner children happy to be making something for Snuffles. I’m grateful to know how to crochet so I can make things instead of buying them.
