Today I’m grateful for feeling…
crowded maybe? I love my partner but sometimes I wish I just woke up alone every once in a blue moon. To greet the sun, soak in my room, slowly wake without feeling the presence of someone else that I feel compelled to mind. Maybe this is a codependent thing? Maybe once I get more individualized, I can wake up and ignore him on those mornings? Or have a code like “I need a solo morning?” But by saying anything I’ve already broken the spell so maybe not. I’m so grateful for every morning that I enjoy waking up by someone though, so I guess it’s a small price to pay for mornings like this.
Frustrated at how flaky the people I know are. It feels like part of the general attitude down here in my cozy river town but I might also have friends prone to it, I don’t know. Everything is so laid back that some people regularly arrive to plans between 30 mins to 3 hours late, sometimes not arriving at all. And are super fast and loose with canceling plans. I don’t want to see someone if they’re not feeling up for it, but I wish maybe that I had more friends who were aware of the energy demands of their calendar and planned accordingly. Granted, I wouldn’t have known about doing that without a book. And life throws curveballs. The cancellations aren’t nearly as bad as the late arrivals. I’ve spent hours of my life in a half-ready position, thinking there isn’t enough time to really devote to anything. Now that I’m writing this, I don’t think I respect my time enough if I keep letting others disrespect it. I think I’m just going to do what I want with my time and if they’re that late, they forfeit my punctuality and may end up waiting for me to feel finished with what I choose to do in the meantime.
At a loss of where to go with my domain name. I can barely choose what I want at a drive thru, how am I supposed to devote to a domain for the future of my project?? I’ve spent a couple hours torturing myself over this, coming up with dozens of ideas and turning them all down for one reason or another. I have no idea what this blog will turn into, it’s a fetus right now. I guess I’m terrified of choosing wrong, which means I believe there is a wrong? If I look at it rationally there is no wrong though? Maybe the website will grow into whatever name I give it like people seem to with their given names. Feeling a bit better about it now.
Frustrated and helpless in the face of Cubu’s time blindness. It’s so fucking infuriating. He’s got more years than me, he’s so smart, how can he NEVER seem to know how long something will take? He can’t even admit that it will likely take longer! Every trick I’ve tried to get us on a reasonable time table has failed and it’s awful. Will it just always be this way? I just want a reasonable time estimate for things and failing that, an admittance that it may be incorrect with A PLAN. Sometimes I can just laugh at his “this will take 10 mins” in my head and go find myself a 2 hour task. Other times it’s unavoidable, like when we carpool. I know this is a sore spot for me as the only time-conscious member of a house full of time-blind people growing up. As I’m typing this, I realize the specific event that pissed me off is a direct consequence of me becoming less codependent! The causal situation hasn’t had the chance to happen before because we were always together. How exciting! I’ll have to talk to Cubu and come up with a game plan for this kind of scenario so we aren’t such a mess with the timing next time.
Ashamed? No, disappointed in how I handled my angst before having the above revelation. I went right into martyr/pouting/crabby mode. I have such a hard time not hating myself when that behavior starts, it’s such a bad attitude over nothing. But if I start hating myself I make it way worse. Once I reflected and the anger bubble popped, I made up with Cubu. The whole thing happened in record time compared to previous pouting sessions but I would love to just be done with them. Grateful that the reflecting helped though.
Feelin’ good…
- I bought a jump rope the other day and discovered that I love it? Or rather I love just jumping! Which inevitably turns into dancing so I guess I love dancing? Anyway, I’m hot on the trail of something good here.
- some friends invited us to the river and when we got there it was P A C K E D. No parking anywhere in the whole town it seemed. It usually isn’t this bad, but everyone and their great grandmother was out at the river. I told Cubu I did not want to ford this sea of people but I’d drop him off. !! I don’t do that!! My style is to suffer as a martyr and be crabby for the rest of the evening. I was so proud, I stuck with it even when he seemed bummed/displeased, which used to make me cave immediately. I even got over the FOMO, which used to be crippling. There is no amount of fun they could be having that would be worth me dealing with the sweaty, crowded mass. The irony and hypocrisy of this following my earlier gratitude is not lost on me. I half-heartedly justify it by knowing this was an impromptu plan.
- update on the domain name: I BOUGHT A DOMAIN NAME! I’ve now created a website and bought its address. It’s real! It exists outside of my head and the world can interact with it now! I’m telling you, the whole “don’t tell anyone your project until you’re done with it” thing is tried and true. I still need to finish tweaking the sight but it’s largely done. My god. I own a website?? I’m grateful for Cubu’s ongoing patience and tech support as I navigate this new world.
