Friday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…
Overwhelmed still at everything on my plate. Somehow things keep getting added and I feel helpless to stop it. I know that’s codependence but I don’t feel practiced enough to fix it. I like everything on it, how can I choose? The books make it sound so much easier than it is.
Gross and smelly because some kind of vaginal thing is happening and I’m feeling more oozy than usual. I missed a birth control pill, I think maybe there’s some weird hormonal something going on. I feel sure 🤞 that no one else can smell me but *I* can smell me. I can’t shower enough these days.
Lightly stressed that our progress on the house has halted. We always halt at this spot, where things are patched enough to be functional so we don’t bother continuing. We have a half-made house like this in a lot of ways. I hope I can get myself to prioritize it over other things this week.
Feelin’ good…
- My boss came into work today in a tizzy and started shit talking her own employee. I spoke back to her on it, which I NEVER do, but was really disorganized and made it worse. Her gossiping always rubs me the wrong way, I really don’t like how she airs everyone’s personal info and her feelings on it to any employee nearby. She did that to me when Ludvig died. I was at work when I got the call. She made sure that by the time I came back to work, everyone (even coworkers I’ve never spoken to) knew how he died and that I had been a spectacle when I found out. Knowing I’m sensitive to this from her, I examined it, noticed I was triggered, and calmed myself. Once I was calmer, I knocked on her door to apologize for getting into something that wasn’t my business. It mended my work relationship with her and I’m really proud of my direct communication. I didn’t apologize for anything I wasn’t actually sorry for but I did address where I overstepped. Feeling successful.
- I guess the pills must work. One of my Sheroes said it’s like being on a wheel. Before I used to be on the rim and as it rolled I would have huge highs and huge lows – the middle ground was just transporting me to one of those two states. Now I feel I’m nearer to the center: smaller highs and lows, more middle ground, everything feels manageable? But also uncomfortable, I’m so uncomfortable with things going okay.
- Dinner and chatting with Jolene and Richard. I love them so much. I feel connected and inspired every time I see them, and so grateful to have stumbled into them.
- Jolene got a kitten and I have not seen myself light up that bright in a long time. I couldn’t tear myself away. I’ve been avoiding pets because I was abusive when I was younger, I couldn’t control my reactions enough to not react on my cat… I’ve grown so much since then. Can I be mean to an animal when I’m no longer mean to myself? I’m scared of making the wrong judgment. But my intuition, my higher power, says I might be ready soon. I’ll be sure to read everything I can beforehand this time so I don’t repeat mistakes. I’m blown away that I’m anywhere near considering this. I had kinda written off having pets, I didn’t know I could heal this much. We’ll see..
