Today I’m grateful for feeling…

numb and concerned about the water leak Cubu found behind our fridge. This is our second water leak with the tubing used by the construction company. Given our history with this, it’s got us both on edge more than the first one did. He’s done all the work so far and I feel like such an ornament, I ask if I can help with anything and he says no every time. And it does look like a one man job. I just wish I could be helpful, to put care into our home the way he gets to. I guess it makes me feel like less of a homeowner, or steps on my preexisting feeling that I’m an imposter since the title doesn’t have my name. I’m not going to let myself worry over the financial cost until I know what it is. Or that they may have to rip out our cabinets and replace the wall. Or that our water is shut off and we don’t know when we can turn it back on. 

annoyed maybe that Cubu is all gloomy and dull around me all morning with the water leak except when his friend comes over he’s chirpy, goofy, memeing about and making jokes. When the friend left, back to despairing. I see this as some sort of coping mechanism, and he could be annoyed with how I’m handling it too. I just wish I could have the upbeat version of him in crisis too. I don’t even know why it’s enough to mention here. Maybe I should be grateful to have the real him, not the shiny one he gave to a friend for a brief respite from our situation. 

ashamed that I caved into my insecurities today and asked Cubu an invasive question about (we’ll call it) Topic A that I shouldn’t have. I tried not to, I really did, but a moment came around and I just fucking did it. I made both of us feel dirty and exposed. I have no business knowing what I asked, especially with my motives being what they were. Topic A has been a central issue for us our entire relationship. On my part, Topic A is directly connected to my father’s abuse AND triggers the controlling codependent behaviors. So I go fucking bonkers about it. On Cubu’s part, it took him a long time to shake the yolk of Christian “you’ll go to hell”ism and form a healthy relationship with it. So he feels like I’m stealing precious freedoms that he had just gained for himself after a childhood of oppression. It is simultaneously our most contentious issue as well as the issue I feel the least healthy about. It’s been getting better, but I definitely crossed the line today and am now struggling to own it/recover from it. 

annoyed? Embarrassed? that my entries recently have been so Cubu-centered. Codependency and sexuality is what I’ve been working on, so he should come up a lot if I’m doing it right. But I struggle to not beat myself up for sounding so annoyingly like a teenybopper: “Cubu this, Cubu that, oh Cubu!” Like I should have more to be writing about? My own inner dialogue doesn’t pass the Bechdel test. But this IS what I’m working on. And so round and round I go, not really getting anywhere. I’m excited to someday be focusing on something that isn’t this particular relationship.

Feelin’ good…

• I sold 4 pieces of furniture, my old snake tank, and a cat post on Marketplace that had been loitering around our garage for over a  year! It was so easy, I kick myself for not just doing it earlier. It was sad to give up the paraphernalia of animals past, but it really was time. I’m grateful for how easy Marketplace makes selling. 
• I also 50% cleaned the garage while I waited for a buyer, so I feel accomplished. But most of all, I feel relieved and lively to have my energy back these past couple days. I’ve been so proactive and go-getting. I’m grateful to be feeling this well and hope it lasts.
• on a real high from selling that furniture, I posted a tiny stained glass suncatcher I made last year to test the waters. I made it during a demonstration when teaching a friend how to make hers and it’s been sitting around since then. It would be great it if ended up making me money, I haven’t really thought anything would come of it. And if it does, is this another revenue stream?
• the past couple weeks I’ve been asking Cubu what feelings he had that day as we go to bed. It’s been really great! I get to hear what he feels, he gets to hear this list. It feels like we’re getting closer and more understanding of the other, even if we could have guessed what the other is telling us. Another wonderful thing to come from this practice ❤
• I got to play Foundations of Rome (board game) and had a great time. I love putting on thematic music (ancient lyre for today) and strategizing in another world for a while. I even won, which used to NEVER happen past the first run through, so I feel more skilled and grateful to have grown some strategy muscles.