Today I’m grateful for…

Forgetting my earbuds at home. This used to just mean a “mindfulness shift” as I called it, and I would be bummed but ultimately enjoy the break in audiobook listening. In depression though, it was fucking brutal. It was hours of nothing to keep my mind from finding its horrors, despite mindful techniques, and in public. I left early feeling like a bad worker, even though it doesn’t matter for my job. And feeling wretched otherwise. I got home and couldn’t summon the will to get out of the car for an hour.

Looking at my glass table and my entire body saying “no”. Today was meant to be a glass day so now I feel extra stupid for leaving the earbuds, since this whole avalanche could have been prevented. Hoping a power nap will right this ship, that I’m just fragile and can recover the day. *Update*: power nap worked.

Going to a long-awaited minigolf outing with my coworker and her nephew from Holland on an empty tank. I barely talked, I played my worst minigolf game, I feel so bad for wasting their time. And she was so excited for me to meet him, it’s been years of her talking about this guy and I feel like I let her down by being so much not me. *Update*: she texted me this morning saying how much fun they had and that her nephew loved getting to know us. Do I really hide it that well? Why doesn’t it make me feel better that no one can tell I’m suffering?

A foster family that I love (and my only one in Texas) invited Cubu and I to dinner and I dread it. And feel awful that I dread it. I just don’t feel like I have anything to offer, like I should warn them about what happened with my coworker. Normally we cook half the dinner and bring it but I simply can’t cook. They’d accept me and love me if I told them I’m too down right now, but I can’t seem to confess how low I am. Frustrated at being in this isolated pocket created by me, myself, and I, but I’m so tired. 

A message my mom sent reaching out to me. I’ve been avoiding her for over a week, gearing myself up to tell her I need a break from her while I do this work. But today she told me she read her gibberish response from last week to her therapist, who explained what was wrong with it, and that she really wants to learn to listen to me. I don’t feel like I can complain because here I have this mom that’s in therapy, genuinely trying her best and reaching out whether I ignore her or not. But I’m still so angry with her. Over CSA stuff, over being neglected and abused, for her just a couple weeks ago telling her friend my deepest, most sensitive truth. I don’t know how to navigate this. I don’t know how to be kind and be angry. I just don’t know how to BE. I guess I should just tell her this. 

Upbeat gratitudes include:

• I got to winter in my farming game, which has different crops and flowers to focus on. I like the variety. 
• having flexible jobs that let me come home and rest without punishment, and a partner that doesn’t resent me recovering while he’s working
• my daily lunch “parfait” of greek yogurt, apple cubes, and cereal. I adore it and every day get the pleasure of having this staple
• a tornado with lemon-sized hail cruised near our neighborhood and we’re fine, our neighbors are fine, the house seems fine, the cars are fine. The fence fell but that’s so minor. It was scary sitting in the pantry with pillows over our heads.