Monday: Today I’m grateful for feeling…

Grateful. I am in love with living and overwhelmingly grateful for the life I have. I feel this all the time, a wash of light over me that feels like a blessing. I used to look for ways it would go away but the past couple weeks I’ve been trying to lean in. It feels wonderful. It feels WONDERFUL to just lean into this life and not expect something bad will happen. I know life will hit me with things but I also know I can handle it, that this moment and every moment is precious.

Shocked and devastated during my SIA meeting today. One member, who has always been a bit of a hairpin but was really struggling today, worked herself into a frenzy. She feels helpless to control her life, angry and ashamed of herself for not “acting like an adult and making the changes”, hopeless for it to ever be different. She connected it with the trauma of her past, how all of these emotions also trigger how she felt as a child. By the end of it, she kept saying “I can’t do this anymore, I should just kill myself.” in an increasing pitch until the last one, where she sounded resigned and went off screen. She did not return. I was ruined. I turned my camera off and lost my fucking mind. Is that what it felt like to be in Ludvig’s head before he died? Did he just snap like she did? IS SHE ALIVE?? I still don’t fucking know. I was fucking wracked. My sobs welled into screeches with spittle flying and I cursed the world, cursed Ludvig, cursed intergenerational trauma. I rejoined the meeting 30 minutes later after moving the laptop to my bed. I laid there feeling so vulnerable on camera as I’m red faced, coughing, snotting visibly onto my pillowcase and clutching two stuffed animals for dear life. At the end of the meeting, everyone (these are people I’ve known for months now) sent heart emojis and extra love to me. I felt held and safe and unalone. It was so different from the other times I’ve experienced Ludvig pain. Normally I AM alone, or with Cubu, and that’s it. Cubu is not an emotional presence really so even with him it feels alone. With this group, for the first time since Ludvig’s funeral, I felt accompanied and cared for in my pain with other people. I am immeasurably grateful.

Pumped up after our first competitive volleyball game of the season! We did way better than I thought we would and everyone sincerely seems interested in getting better and learning techniques. I don’t think William will be able to help us but I have faith that we can teach ourselves some things and that the other team members will listen. I also did a better job as captain this season than I did my first time around. I began implementing team-building/morale boosters and it worked! I’m proud of myself and my team for pulling together and really look forward to continuing with them.

Sadness and concern at the length of time since my last river swim. The weather, sore muscles, or vacations have gotten in the way and it’s been over a month now. I’ve gotten into that time of distance where I start making excuses because I’m shy about restarting the activity. I miss the serenity and the nature so much, it feels like a vice on my heart. Next week I will make no excuses other than weather. And even then I’ll figure something out. I’ve got my own marriage to attend to 🙂